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Bridget Jones’s Diary

December 4, 2011

98309_renee-zellweger-in-bridget-jones-the-edge-of-reason-2004.jpgDear Diary,

It’s me Bridget Jones from those movies from years ago? I can’t believe they made a series of movies on my life. I must say I was rather flattered by their portrayal. Especially with a dream boat like Hugh Grant lusting after me! Why  I must admit it made me a wee bit sticky in the trousers. Hehehe.

It’s simply a dream that the entire world is absolutely captivated by the private postings of little old me.  Saggy titted Bridget Jones, a stupid twat from a nobody family is now on the tip of every tongue on earth, from mud covered peasants to pink cheeked presidents and kings, everyone around the globe has Bridget Jones fever!

I started this diary as way to make sense of my chubby life as a thirty something Londoner with absolutely nothing to live for and now it has blossomed into one of the most influential writings in the civilized world. Silly,  clumsy,  pathological liar Bridget Jones, from a little old island called England is now considered to be the most powerful cultural forces to come out of the UK.

It actually disgusts me to think that there are heterosexual men out there right now stuffing their half limp logs into their non-Bridget Jones-Esque wives all the while closing their eyes and imagining its my holes they are plugging. I get depressed to think that most men will never have the opportunity to spend an afternoon deep sea diving for my tuna or a late night hammering away at my hip ham.

Oh well, just another day in the meaningless life of my internationally documented existence. What will happen next for bad breathed, infertile, offensively unnatractive Bridget Jones and her Diary? Wouldn’t you not want to know?

I guarantee I could skip a rock across this lake if my arm wasn’t so sore.

November 13, 2011

stopbully.jpg See that lake over there? I could so easily skip this rock across it in like five seconds if my arm didn’t hurt so bad from push-ups. I do like fifty a day. That’s why my arms are so big. Well a large part of the reason my arms are so big is genetics. My dad has huge arms and shit. But it certainly helps that I do like five hundred push ups a week.

I skipped this lake one time and swear to god the rock skipped 39 times. It just kept skipping. This guy was there and said that he has never seen a rock skip that many times before. I was like oh yeah? I have because I have skipped way more than that before.

This one time, I think one of my cousins was in Iraq or some shit and got shot. The doctor on the scene said he had never seen anyone recover that quickly from a bullet wound. He said something about how our family are all O positive blood types or some shit so we can recover from gunshot wounds like 3 times faster than you can.

That’s why I am not really that scared of being shot. Never have been. This one time I think I was in downtown LA or something and this gangster came right up to me and said some shit like “Yo, you frontin dog?”. He said it directly to my face. I was like “I ain’t even from here dog so back off!”. He looked so scared. I think he probably had a gun too.

Dude, I gotta go. My aunt is in town and she is making dinner tonight. She makes the bombest pasta. She was in Vegas once and she met Emeril from that show or some shit and he told her even he could not make pasta as good as she could. Swear to god dude. The funny thing is it is not even that hard to make. I made it one time and even she said mine was better than hers cause I used pepper or some shit. But I still let her cook it even though mine is better cause it makes her feel useful and shit.

11th Anniversary of September 11th Coming Up

November 6, 2011

bleeding-flag.jpgAmerica, U.S.A.- The 11th anniversary of the eleventh of September 2001 is ten months from now making many Americans wonder what has changed since Sadam Obama Ladin attacked us on that fateful summer afternoon.

“I am not racist,” said an American, ” but there is something about Barack O’Bama that makes me wonder whether or not he is actually white.”

In fact many Americans including many Americans included in this study, have concluded that this country has become less and less American as more and more surveys of Americans are shipped overseas.

When asked in a survey of Americans if this was true an astounding 98% replied “Je ne parle pas anglais et n’ont aucune idée de ce que vous me demandez”.

A Mile High Story: Hammer Time

September 13, 2011

 WSM has an autobiography coming out in late 2012 “A Mile HIGH Story” and we will be releasing excerpts of the book in the preceding months. Here is the second excerpt form Chapter 23. Enjoy!

There is an old saying that says something about stress or some shit, it was in the Bible. God damn could I relate to that saying back one Friday in the summer of 2000. Damn that nigga Jesus could write. I think I read somewhere that he wrote the whole thing in one sitting. Son of God or not that is impressive. R.I.P. Jesus.

 Anyway, it was hot that day, hot like a frying pan baking in the hot summer sun on one of the hottest days in recorded hotstory.  The heat was intensifying the friction between the crews in N. and S. Boulder. No one wanted a war but just like the women I slept with that summer it was coming. 

I spent the morning on the phone with Jay-Z, he was begging me to ghost write on his upcoming album and it was starting to get pathetic. He just refused to accept that I put down the pen when Biggie and Pac died. Maybe I am being superstitious but I can’t help but feel guilt that the rhymes I wrote for Biggie and Tupac in many of their most beloved songs may have in some way led to their demise.

Just after I hung up the phone started to ring. Just another Friday in the city of Angels which is what I called Boulder.

“Who dis?” I said with my voice.

“Don’t matter who dis is son. Just know this- We coming for you suckaaaa. We coming for youuuuuuuu.”

“Yeah but who is this? Just so I know who is coming for me.”

“I ain’t gonna say who dis is dummy. That will ruin the surprise.Click!”

“Did you hang up? Cause it kinda sounded like you just shouted ‘Click’ into the phone really loudly.”

“I ain’t sayinnnnnnn’”

“Well clearly you did not hang up because I can still hear you.”

She hung up the phone.

Someone was out to get me. And I ain’t planning on getting got. If anything I get others got, on the spot, whether they like it or not.

The phone rang again.

“Hey you hung up before telling me who you were..”

“What?” Said a soft and sultry voice.

“This is heather,…um the lifeguard from the pool where you teach break dance swimming.”

I don’t know what it is but I find it very attractive when you can hear the nervousness in a girl’s voice over the phone, desperately hoping you won’t spurn their advances. How pathetic.

“Um I know you don’t know me but I watch you swim at the pool and got your number from the ladies locker room wall and I don’t know if—”

“Lifeguard stop- your starting to turn me off.”

“Oh I just wanted to–”

I interrupted again.

“Listen lifeguard are you a fan of early 90′s Rap?”

“Well yes I am, why?”

“Cause it’s Hammer Time”

“I’ll be right over”

“And lifeguard?”

“Yes?”

“Bring a turkey sandwich.”

Click.

Sea Turtle Charity To Address Least Important Problem in the World

August 16, 2011

green-sea-turtle_1024×768_2839.jpgMonterey Bay, CA– Despite the existence of ubiquitous poverty, a global clean water epidemic, or even falling literacy rates in the Philippines among millions of other problems that desperately need to be addressed, Jim and Susan Smeale of Monterey, California have started a charity with the goal of moving a group of sea turtles to a more remote location off the coast of northern California so that they can be more isolated from humankind.

“These majestic creatures need our help. Human intrusion into their habitat has deprived them of enough space to move about every day. This injustice must end” Said Susan Smeale with a straight face.

Even though the Smeales are both well educated and were fully equipped with the knowledge that millions in Africa continue to starve they went ahead and set up this charity earlier in the year and are asking people who live in a world where children are sold as sex slaves to donate their money to move some turtles farther down the coastline.

“These turtles need a place where they can frolic and be themselves with out being intruded upon by mankind” Jim Smeagle said from a top his high horse,” If we raise two million dollars we can make these turtles’ dreams a reality.”

If the Smeales succeed in their goal they will have solved an issue that has been plaguing several dozen sea turtles in northern Monterey for the past three and a half years.

US Losing Millions on Failed Drone Attacks

August 15, 2011

 9341061.jpgWashington, DC — A report conducted by the Defense Accountability Foundation has found that drone attacks conducted in Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan since 2003 have wasted hundreds of millions of US tax dollars by dropping bombs on targets that have never posed a threat to the United States.

“Every time we drop a bomb that lands on a school or hospital we literally waste millions of dollars that could have gone towards destroying Taliban strongholds.” Said General Dimitri Collins who has been head of northwestern Afghanistan commands since 2009.

While some are skeptical of these findings the military itself admitted in an August 2011 press release that a bomb dropped over northwest Pakistan last May killed an initially impressive 302 people until an investigation revealed that only five of the 302 killed were considered hostile. The other 297 were civilians attending an annual fair celebrating the coming of Summer. The total cost for this mission? 3.4 million dollars. That means that the US tax payer paid $680,000 for every insurgent killed in the attack.

“Every hard working American should be outraged by these numbers.” Said Sam Mertins who runs a blog with the intent of holding the US government accountable for it’s spending. “It makes me sick to think that my children’s children will be paying off debt from buying bombs that were mostly wasted killing women and children when that money could have been used to bomb terrorists.”

Black Man’s Forty Acres To Be Used as Costco Parking Lot

August 14, 2011

Charleston, SC — A forty acre plot of land in the suburbs of Charleston that was promised to John Williams, a slave freed by the  Union Army in 1865,  will be used instead as a parking lot for the 428th Costco Store to be built in the United States.

Williams, a slave for most of his life until his emancipation by northern troops, joined the Union army after being promised under the Special Field Order, No. 15 of General Sherman that he would be awarded forty acres and a mule for his service.

The United States decided shortly after the war ended that it would be better if they didn’t give any black soldiers any land at all.

tyler-the-creator.jpg

Williams’ great-great-grandson Tyler (pictured to the left) will not be able to enjoy the land that should have been passed down by his great-great-grandfather but said he hopes to get a job working for the store when it opens January of next year.

Costco spokesman Dan Harmen said that  the parking lot will feature up to 1500 spaces including 100 handicapped spots, ample room for larger vehicles and even a 20 minutes or less parking area for those on the go.

Giffords Six Weeks Away From People Magazine Cover Shot

August 5, 2011

glee-cast-wallpaper-glee-8932545-1050-800.jpgTexas– Doctors in care of Congresswoman Gabby Giffords said on Tuesday that the Congresswoman was no more than six weeks away from her first photo shoot since being tragically shot in the brain last January.

“If Gabby continues to improve the way she has in the past couple of months then there is no reason to believe that she won’t be gracing the glossy pages of People magazine with her trademark beautiful smile that has brought joy to so many men.” Said a doctor.

Of course, as of now her face is mostly paralyzed and if that doesn’t improve by the August 29th deadline then Giffords will not be allowed to be the cover for that edition.

If she fails to make the deadline?

“I don’t know I think we might do like a back to school cover with the cast of Glee,” said Editor in chief Barbara Summer from her amazing lake house ” Something vintage yet modern with each cast member representing a different season.”

I can’t speak for anyone but I will say that it sounds absolutely won-Glee-full!

Cutest Little Black Kid Ever Missing.

July 21, 2011

tampa.jpgOrlando, FL- Police are looking for 3 year old David Williams who went missing from him home last Sunday around 3 P.M. and are asking civilians to be on the lookout for a small boy in a blue shirt and red pants, around the age of three who is just the cutest little black kid you will ever see.

Williams parents say that their child was playing on the front yard the last time they saw him on Sunday.

David or “Davie” as he goes by is so loveable and gregarious it comes as no surprise to  many who knew him that he would be a target for abduction.

“I had thought of stuffing him in my pocket and taking him home to the family a few times myself,” said Shelly Siefert a next door neighbor “Of course I am kidding but have you seen pictures of him when he is in overalls? Or a video of his dance routine he does? Seriously who wouldn’t want to abduct that darling muffin! On a serious note though it is awful whatever happened to little wittle bittle Davie Wavy.”

Davie Wavy is gone for good but not forgotten, neighbors and friends of the family agree that they will miss his incredibly appealing looks and delectable mannerisms.

This is incredible.

July 1, 2011

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