Why Cellphone Cameras Are a Good Idea

God bless technology. If this was twenty years ago this moment would only be captured as one of no doubt thousands of incredibly humiliating moments suppressed within the nether regions of tubby’s giant dome, popping up only to haunt him during later humiliations. My favorite part has to be about four seconds into the video in which two epiphany’s occur simultaneously.

1. Tubby: Holy shit he could hit me with that skateboard!

2. Skater: Holy shit I could hit him with my skateboard!

Don’t feel all sorry for young Jerry Connell he started it and your a bald faced liar if you say you didn’t laugh at this. Bald faced.

Scalpel!

(what not to wear in the emergency room.)

Shootin’ Babies

“I’m shooting babies no if’s and’s or maybe’s.”

I can’t get this lyric out of my head. It’s one of the most perfectly ridiculous rap lyrics of all time and comes from the late great B.I.G. Lines like these are the reason I love rap. Shootin babies? Now that’s hard . The three best reasons ( in the rap world) to shoot someone are as follows:

1.) Set Trippin.

2.) Sneaker Scuffin.

3.) Scally waggin.

But why would you shoot a baby? No if’s and’s or maybe’s? So no I’m gonna shoot a baby IF it tries something with my girl. Or I’m gonna shoot a baby AND then get a sandwich. Or I am gonna shoot a baby but maybe I will stab the baby instead. Biggie will have nothing to do with any of those scenarios. That ’s why he is one of the best.

WSM Says: WSM does not support shooting babies. WSM would never shoot a baby. WSM would however, shoot a toddler. WSM would shoot a toddler right in it’s smug little toddler face.

Bada Boom!

In Rome. Cruising past the Coliseum in my rented 125 cc scooter. Come across a rare patch of smooth pavement. I am the man so I turn it up. There’s a couple on a moped to my left but they clearly see me so there not gonna try to cross. I’m wrong. Now they are in my direct line of fire. Left hand- rear brakes now. Not working impact is still imminent. Right-hand front brakes now-way too hard. Panic is not a logical emotion. Now I am in the air. I have experienced this feeling only once before in my life and those of you who know my personal history know exactly what I am talking about.

The skin peeled away from my body almost as quickly as my atheism and libertarian views on helmet laws did. As I am sliding I manage to look behind me only to find my scooter heading towards me . It knows I am responsible for the damage inflicted upon it and wants revenge. I stuck my feet out and kept the spiteful machine at a manageable distance. That’s not what worries me though. There is something much larger and much more ominous behind this scooter.

Gravity starts to play the role of cupid and my face got friendly with the pavement.If I have learned anything during this incident it is that my chin is extremely allergic to asphalt. The romance was a short and distracted one, at least on my part, as I spent most of it worrying about this looming object in my peripheral. Finally the sliding stopped. Get the FUCK up. No time to check for injuries I needed to get off this path of destruction. Surprisingly, my body obliged and before I knew it I was on a Roman Sidewalk looking back at A Big Fucking tour bus with Big Fucking Windows full of Shocked Fucking Tourists all staring back at me. I almost introduced little Timmy to death far to early. Sorry not today I am alive and all wounds are superficial. I may look like I pinched Chuck Liddell’s wife’s ass but I feel like a Gladiator…even better I feel like Russel Crowe, I might even go throw a phone at someone’s face.

Milaun and Roma

On a train to Roma. Spelling Rome with an A at the end is a subtle and perfectly pretentious way of letting people know you have actually been there. An old man just yelled something in WOP at me. He’s just jealous because I have been resting my feet on his wife’s lap for the last half hour. Italians are so passive aggressive. So I says to the guy I says “It’s not sexual your wife happens to have an extremely inviting crotch temperature.” Cultural differences, what are you gonna do.

I just came from Milaun. Spelling Milan with a U in it is a subtle and perfectly perfect way to let people know you are a moron. Milan is like downtown L.A. but with more English speakers. I rented a prostitute there and All I have to show for it are these lousy AIDS! Bada Boom!

Post Script- My other Joke was gonna be I rented a prostitute there and lost my deposit. Bada Boom!

Post Script Script- That joke implies that I killed the toot.

Post Script Post Script- It’s not funny if you have to explain it. Shit.

I’m manly

In Salzberg, Austria. What the fuck was I thinking? This is a place that is best known for having been the location where they shot The Sound of Music. I feel embarrassed that I am here. I feel that I have let you down being that you came to this site expecting to read about a man doing manly things all over this crazy blue marble we call home. Well guess what folks! I manning it up a notch. I’m gonna get fratty all over this mofo! I am going to Berlin and I hereby promise that while there I will physically assault someone.

Ooooh I would not want to be that poor fuck. He’s somewhere right now probably sippin on a latte or ironing his capri’s maybe greasing up his wheelchair. Meanwhile he has no idea that he is literally hours away from the thunder. Guess what scumbag? They might as well start calling You Peru cause I’m bout to shake your world up. Oh too soon for Peru references? To fucking bad cause English may be my first language but I’m also fluent in crazy motherfucker.

You cannot find an excuse for what’s coming your way, sorry.

“Oh I have class I can’t tussle right now”. Oh really well I double majored in ass kicking and skull crushing with a minor in fucking you up so Call me Professor Pain cause class is in session.

“Oh I have to pick up my granddaughter from soccer.” I will punch you in the face and then bend it like Beckham all over your gd’s face.

“Oh I am recovering from my latest bout of chemo.” Tell you what, you can recover in the grave after I radiate karate chops all over your bald head.

So there it is folk’s I don’t think there is any reason to bring my manhood into question after this post. Even if I did go on the sound of music tour and bought the CD and did have a picture taken of myself in the same field and what appears to be the same dress that Julie Andrews wore in the movie. The point that I’m trying to make is that I’m all man and you will see my reckoning, you will.

This just tickles me…

This might be my favorite you tube video of all time. It even rivals my former fave. The leprechaun rap is amazing there is no doubt about that but it’s hard to compete with the triple threat of physical pain, humiliation, and insincere concern. Top notch I say!

Bavaria

In Munich. It’s mainly known for two things Beer and Nazi´s. They would prefer that you only remember the former and it is probably why the shove so much of the latter down your throat. Tourists, including myself, will literally go spend an entire day at Dachau concentration camp and then an entire night drowning in beer at the famous Hofbräuhaus which was the site of one of Hitler’s first propaganda meetings. Now that’s at least Alanis Morissette ironic. I think I’m gonna go now. Yep, yeah I am.

Pragust

What can I say about Prague that hasn´t been said about your mom?The answer: nothing. It´s dirty, cheap, drug infested, and she loves the way I sing to her. But enough about Greer’s mom. The truth is it´s more over-hyped than Greer´s mom so I have moved onward and upward to Munich which is supposed to be and I quote ” The most entertaining two and a half hours I have spent so far this year!!”; of course that was a USA Today review of the 2005 Spielberg movie but I heard the city was nice too.

The Big Ten

Flo and Coke

In Vienna Austria. Favorite city so far. Watched Simpsons movie in english, saw orchestra, met Flo. Flo loves coke. Not that it is what defines Flo as a person but it certainly explains some things. Flo took me and brent to a local bar. Austrians love Americans. Except for one who after ten minutes of burning a hole though my head asked me ominously if I was a soldier. I told him no. I explained that I support the war but not the troops. Sarcasm does not translate well.

Nater

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