New Music Monday: Gil Mantera’s Party Dream

As the name implies you are in for a party with this band. If you like Daft Punk, French dudes who only go out in public dressed like robots, you should move your ass to some Gil Mantera who go out dressed like cowboy vampire skiiers. This mid western duo from Ohio lay down some nasty keyboard and a serving of soaring butt rock guitar on each track of “Blood Songs”, their second album. The vocals range from Andrew W.K. style rock to robot tripped out speak and with a lead singer named Ultimate Donny you know you are are in for a good time!

Caseytron

The Most Ridiculous Picture in the History of Baseball

There is nothing to say.

Sorrento

In Sorrento. Could not find a place in town so I ended up camping. Its not that bad though its actually better than some hostels and definitely better than Hostel Two. I also think I may have unwittingly stumbled upon some major Commie doins.

When I got to the site there was about fifty or so Eastern European types millin about. Most likely finding a good spot to either burn books about freedom or print propaganda. I kept my eye on the bunch until sleep snuck up on me like a cowardly Brit (redundant). I awoke to the sound of silence. Not really that suspicious since it was around 5:30 in the morning. I got up to do some recon when I noticed that the Reds had all vacated. Ever last one of em. This was starting to get eerily reminiscent of Red Dawn. If you don’t get that reference congratulations you’ve just been demoted to a Canadian.

In case you have not seen this classic here is a brief synops: Commies, in an attempt to take over the world, invade a small Colorado mountain town failing to realize that their plan was flawed from the get go my friend cause Swayze goes to high school in that town and neither he, nor his rippling abs, nor his misfit band of renegade friends have any intention of letting a Commie foot touch a grain of American soil without losing it in the process.

Actually the more I think about it the more I realize how fucking sweet a Red Dawn type situation would be. Could you imagine you me and a young Swayze running through the hills shooting commies?

I say we bring back a classic. If there is one point everyone, from all sides of the Cold War can agree on, its that the war was way, way too short. If Rocky can come back after twenty years than why not the Caps vs Commies? I’m gonna get on this right away. I’m heading up to Berlin to see if I cant rabble rouse a few brick layers into getting that wall back up. Until then  I will need you guys to send boatloads of lollipops because if Hitler has taught us anything its that if you want to start a movement start with the youth and if my youth has taught me anything its that as a young boy I would throw my dog off a roof if I had the slightest inclination that I would be rewarded with a tasty pop if I did. I will be expecting those pops to be there by the time I am. This is gonna be awesome!

Musings of a Humble Super Genius

– Its ironic but the word ironic is almost always used incorrectly.

– Big Ben has got to be the lamest tourist attraction of all time right in front of the leaning tower of Pizza. I don’t know about you but if you’re going to go see a big clock it had better be falling on top of some sort of evil sea captain. I know its not pizza.

– Confidence is like beer. The more beer you drink the more confidence you have.

– I don’t play the piano but if I did you could bet your soiled panties I’d be better than that cumrag from Coldplay.

– Mustaches will make a comeback. It’s inevitable.

– Your pet hates you.

– Greer should make a shirt that says “Wish you were Greer.”

– There’s no accounting for bad accounting.

– There is no fucking way that old cunt James Brown is the hardest working man in showbiz.

– If I dropped my Ipod as many times as I’ve dropped this baby I would have one retarded Ipod.

How To Get Conned in Ten Quick and Easy Steps

1.) Talk to anyone. Especially if they seem like they want to sell you something or get over on you in some way.

2.) When a man approaches you and makes small talk before telling you a lame generic back story on why he needs to get rid of a new computer for very little, believe him.

3.) He will proceed to show you a very nice computer. He wants to get rid of it for 150 Euros.

4.) Sure this thing is certainly worth more than that but if your gonna buy a computer of the street from some degenerate you might as well negotiate so you tell the guy to fuck off and that the best you can do is fifty.

5.) The man not so calmy replies that that is an outrageous amount for such a nice computer and he puts it back into the bag.

6.) You tell the man that he is probably right and you walk away only to have him yell back at you how about eighty. Now he is getting desperate, the ball is in your court.

7.) You’ve got him backed into a corner at this point and this two thousand dollar machine is yours for a mere fifty euros if you stick to your guns. You should probably begin to wonder at this point why a man would sell so low but your caught up in the action so you turn around and offer fifty or nothing, to which he accepts. You hand him a fifty he hands you the machine and you part ways feeling like a Master negotiator.

8.) You start to replay the situation in your head as you are walking and start to feel funny. It was a little too easy. Then It hits you. Somethings not right so you go into a cafe and open your new laptop case. It’s strange that the zipper is clipped to anther one so its hard to open. Finally you get it unclipped and suddenly you are not so pleased with this purchase. While the sand in the bag is nice and white and there is a decent amount of it your not sure that it is worth fifty euros. In fact your almost positive that the computer salesman got the better end of the deal.

9.) You run back to dispute your purchase. Surely you will explain to the man that he had handed you a bag full of sand and not the laptop for which you had previously negotiated. It may be embarrassing for him as well as yourself but you will both chuckle awkwardly as you exchange the bags. But he is nowhere to be found and it dawns on you that this may have been some sort of con. Yep you now fully believe you got conned.

10.) Go back to your hotel room and make a fifty euro sand castle.

Ischia

In Ischia. It’s an Island off the coast of Naples. It’s like Germany but with more Germans. These people need to grow up and start speaking English. It’s so annoying speaking so slowly and my throat is getting sore from shouting everything I say.

I have heard a disturbing rumor as of late that some American backpackers are traveling as “Canadians”. One Aussie even told me that a couple who were there the night before had claimed to be Canucks until they let it slip the night of their departure. These Benedict Arnold’s should be burned by at the steak (wha what) ?!? To compensate WSM has been referring to my nationality as A Number One. It hasn’t been the best for first impressions especially on my first night when a group from the Hostel went out to dinner and when asked where I was from I loudly proclaimed, “the number one country in the world! ” The best way to do this is to emphasize world while leaning forward and letting just enough of whatever you are eating/drinking come out of your mouth to really get your point across.

Well after five days of beach living and little to no Internet connect I am back in Naples which somehow managed to out shit Milan. Everyone drives the streets like a levee just broke and the locals packs of con men circle the train station picking out the dumb or naive and making their move. Like my man P.T. said, “There is a sucker born every minute” but hate to break it to the con men of the world cause WSM was born in less than a minute.

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