Ditch Me for One More of your Friend’s Funerals and We’re Through

Hey babe. I have been doing a lot of thinking, mainly about us and where I see this relationship going. As you may have noticed, things have not been going that well as of late. My therapist told me that for a relationship to be successful, each partner must draw clearly defined lines and be respectful of those lines if they intend on continuing that relationship. It’s been one of the hardest decisions that I have ever had to make but I have decided that if you continue to choose to spend your time attending another one of your friends funerals over spending time with the man that you supposedly love, then I will have to break up with you.

I hate to have to give you an ultimatum but I guess that’s what it has come to for me. I just got to the point where I had to ask myself,  where do I draw the line? In the past couple of  weeks you have chosen  to spend the majority of your time visiting friend’s in the hospital, or going to their various funerals, or memorials, or wakes, the list goes on and on. Even when I did attend a few of those events with you, you hardly paid any attention to me at all. I want a girlfriend who if we are out together, whether its for dinner and a movie, or scrabble at a friends place, or one of her dead team mates from her amateur softball leagues funerals, she acts like I am her sole reason for being there. That’s the girlfriend I did have until you pulled a one-eighty on me sometime after the bus accident.

I know it’s been hard for you, I hear it everyday and I tried, believe me I tried to get on board with your new hobbies. Remember how I helped you with Sheryl’s collage? I was supposed to play poker that night, off course you didn’t know that cause you didn’t even think to ask if I had plans before asking me to pick up some pictures of Sheryl at her mother’s house on the way home from work. I don’t like making collages, that’s a girl thing. Do you know how much shit I got at work from Dave the next day when I told him I spent the night making a collage and arranging flowers? Dave’s not just gonna let that go.

I even went with you to Beth’s and Heather’s funerals without making a peep about missing two of the most important Nuggets games of the season, which we lost btw thanks for asking. And when I floated my Saving Private Ryan idea about not putting the entire soft ball team on the same bus to Beth and Heather’s brother and he called me a fucking asshole, you just sat there saying nothing. How do you think that made me feel?

Even when you are home you’re constantly on the phone with a friend or relative, or you’re writing one of your little eulogies, or just locking yourself in the bathroom with the lights off. When we first started dating you never used to curl up in the fetal position in your closet for hours on end, now that seems to be more important to you then going to quiz night at the Bear Inn. You used to love to do that kind of stuff. Who is this stranger and what have they done with my girlfriend?

Even little things like a couple days ago when I asked you to pick me up some beer on your way home from Ashley’s fundraiser and you brought home Coors light. Come on babe, you know I don’t tap the Rockies, at least you used to. And I don’t mean to be harsh, I mean Beth and Heather I understand but Ashley? Before she was in a coma you used to constantly complain about how shallow you thought she was. And now all of the sudden you are organizing fundraisers and driving her son to school everyday. Seems a little hypocritical if you ask me.

I truly do hope we get through this, I do. I have done my part now it is up to you. You have some serious thinking to do. I think you have to ask yourself, do you want to be with the man you have shared your life with for the last few years? Or would you rather continue to devote your life to the mourning and memory of people that died over two weeks ago. I know it doesn’t seem like it now but there will be other teams in the future. Better teams where you can make friends with better softball players who hire better bus drivers that don’t fall asleep at the wheel. The future looks bright, care to join me?

Lone Black Guy Allegedly Not Responsible for Stolen Laptop

Chicago, Illinois.– In  a bizarre story in which a laptop was stolen from Java’s Coffee and Internet Cafe in Northbrook, African American Charles Whitman, who was at the scene of the crime has been cleared as a suspect by the Northbrook Police Department.

The owner of the stolen laptop, Jonas Stein, first reported the laptop stolen on Monday, after returning from the bathroom to find it missing from the table where he left it unattended, failing to notice the arrival of Charles Whitman.

“I went to the bathroom for a few minutes and when I came back I was shocked to see my laptop had disappeared, I wasn’t told until later that Charles Whitman had been lurking about, cleverly hiding behind the pages of a Wall Street Journal the entire time.”

After wasting time questioning the suburban patrons of the shop, owner Ted Hayes decided to get the police involved. Lt. Steve Colligan was first at the scene and told of his investigation in a phone call Monday evening.

” After learning of Whitman’s suspicious presence at the scene and his swift departure after an amateur strip search by Mr. Hayes, we went to Mr. Whitman’s residence to make the arrest but due to the lack of witnesses willing to come forward, and a failure to find the missing laptop on Whitman’s person or property, we have yet to gather enough evidence to make a conviction.”

At the time of the crime there were only a few people inside the business, none of whom were willing to report seeing Stein’s laptop taken by Whitman and cowardly refuse to admit that they saw Whitman run from the shop like a Kenyan sprinter, sweat glistening off his dark hide as he made his escape.

” I have known Charles for a few years now,” said Kaitlin Conner who has been working at the Cafe for several years, “he comes in almost everyday, always pays and even tips. I was not working on Monday but when I found out that someone had stolen a laptop from the Cafe, I felt betrayed by Charles, I thought of him as a friend but I now know that he was just scouting the place the whole time looking for the right moment to strike. The worst part is it looks like he is going to get away with it.”

This is not the first case of recent in which police failed to get a conviction or even make an arrest when obvious culprits have been present at the scene of a crime, a trend which according to District Attorney Clive Hansen, has become all to common in Northbrook.

“Crime has been steadily rising in the past few years while conversely, convictions have been on the decline. While I by no means am excusing myself from blame, police have made it all to easy for criminals like Charles Whitman to run wild by failing to gather enough evidence for me to make a case, even in an open and shut cases like this one. What alarms me the most is that Charles Whitman has no criminal record, not even a drinking in public or marijuana conviction, it’s scary to think of how many crimes Mr. Whitman has been able to get away with due to the incompetence of the Northbrook Police Department”.

For now, the Northbrook Police department is forced to rule Whitman out as a suspect but are optimistic that their  surveillance of his home and medical practice will bring to light enough evidence for an indictment.

Whitman was not contacted for this story due to the assumption that he was not up to date on his pre-paid cell phone bill.

No better feeling?

Fraggots Love to Pound Ass

Oh hell no! Did you just step on my gators dogg?

Tell me it ain’t so homie, tell me you didn’t just scuff my gators. What you blind B? That must be it-you blind. Shit, you want me to go get some tin and and a hammer and knock the shit out in braille , you just stepped on my gators nigga. Yeah you see me, I know you aint blind bitch but you must be deaf cause I don’t hear you apologizing fo’ shit.

What you deaf bitch? Cause I know words be rolling out my grill at a rapid motherfucking pace all up in your direction. Oh you must be deaf disrespectin me like this. You want me to sign it out for you hellen keller-you just stepped on my gators holmes. Oh you don’t want me to sign this out cause I do all my signin with my motherfucking heaters! Twenty 2 two’s mofucka! I know you can hear me so you must got A.D.D. or some shit, ignoring me and what not.

What you got A.D.D. punta? Damn I know you got that shit otherwise you would have noticed me by now, and recognized that you stepped on this thugs gators. What you run out of ridilin, you need your daily dose? That must be it homie I figured it out. Yo my boy sells that shit on the D.L. he could cop you some cause I want you to be aware of how bad it’s gonna hurt when I break my dick off in your ass faggot. Oh now your paying attention so I know it ain’t A.D.D., what you got diabetes or some shit.

What you got diabetes Jay Cutler?I thought you were scared of the one two’s with all the shaking you’ve been doing, but that must be it! You having a diabetic seizure pussy? That still ain’t no excuse to step on my gators home slice. Yo you want me to go get you some suga negro? Yeah I’ll get you some sugar, as soon as a find a way  to pry my dick out of your mouth queer. No I don’t think it’s the diabetes, you got to have some sort of palsy.

What you got cerebral palsy dickballs? I should have known, oh I should have known you had cerebral palsy you look just like one of those gimp ass bitches. No excuse man, you gotta watch your crippled ass cause you a motherfucking liability dogg. Don’t you have some sort of handler or sumthing? Who let this retard out of his cage cause they owe me some a new pair of gators. Yo you lucky I’m doing community service right now or I would cripple your ass. Naw I aint gonna do that but I am gonna go find yo boy Stephen Hawking, this hospitals got his name all over it so he gonna pay fo’ my gators.

Sarah Palin did not Exist in 2001

Google search results from 2001 (only 7 years ago!!) for Sarah Palin, not a single one about her.  And now she might be president.  Barack also included below.