I know it is probably wrong but I can’t help but blame my daughter for being so fat.

Dear Samantha,

As a parent of four children I know that many of the decisions I make for myself and my kids end up affecting their lives in one way or the other. So when I see my youngest daughter (who is a good forty pounds overweight) eating junk upon junk I can’t help but think that she may in some way be adding to her weight problem with her terrible eating habits.

Despite the obviously repulsive outcomes of her hedonistic dietary choices, she continues to eat food that makes her resemble an overstuffed bean bag. I supply her with ample amounts of make-up, mirrors and criticism but none of these have seemed to provide her with a realistic viewpoint of how disappointed she makes me feel when I look at her.

If you would have told me eleven years ago that I was about to give birth to the cookie monster I never would have believed you in a million years. However, with every  Gusher this gusher shoves past her vocal cords I have no choice but to accept the possibility that my genes may be flawed.

You should see the amount of joy a few donuts provides this girl. All I have to do if she is ever upset with me, no matter the reason, is plop a few bear claws in front of her and clear ass out of the way. I worry that a boyfriend may figure out these parental tools and use them to his advantage somewhere down the line. Of course, at this point her being taken advantage of by a boy is the least of my concerns unless his name is Ronald McDonald ( I am sooo badd!!).

So I have come to you in a desperate plea for help. My daughter’s behavior has become detrimental to my happiness and that of my boyfriend(s). I love her with every part of my being but I know that at some point it may be time just to let go. Have I reached that point? If not, how can I make sure that people know her looks have nothing to do with my parental abilities?

Forever in your debt,

Mother of the Michelin Man