I want to understand my African American friend.

February 26, 2011

Dear Samantha,

My roommate (who is African American) is very emotional and frequently inappropriate in her actions. She consistently attacks me for failing to live up to her absurd standards and expectations. While I love her dearly, I recognize that she is in desperate need of the help of an educated professional.

It is not uncommon for her to get violently angry for a small inconvenience and no matter what I say or do, it only seems to provoke her more. I  have learned from her “family members” that she grew up in a very unstable and turbulent environment and had both physically and emotionally abusive parents. While this does not surprise me it does help to  explain why she behaves in such a tribal manner.

As her friend I want to do all I can to show her that I am here for her and even though I have not experienced the level of tragedy that she has in her life, I want her to know that I will do my best to try and understand where she is coming from.

So my question to you Samantha is- How do you tell what type of tattoos black people have? She has a bunch of tattoos but I can’t tell what most of them are because she got them in black ink and her skin is extremely dark. One kinda looks like a herd of triceratops. What do triceratops symbolize to black people?

Please help,

Proud Roommate of an African American.

I know it is probably wrong but I can’t help but blame my daughter for being so fat.

November 8, 2009

Dear Samantha,

As a parent of four children I know that many of the decisions I make for myself and my kids end up affecting their lives in one way or the other. So when I see my youngest daughter (who is a good forty pounds overweight) eating junk upon junk I can’t help but think that she may in some way be adding to her weight problem with her terrible eating habits.

Despite the obviously repulsive outcomes of her hedonistic dietary choices, she continues to eat food that makes her resemble an overstuffed bean bag. I supply her with ample amounts of make-up, mirrors and criticism but none of these have seemed to provide her with a realistic viewpoint of how disappointed she makes me feel when I look at her.

If you would have told me eleven years ago that I was about to give birth to the cookie monster I never would have believed you in a million years. However, with every  Gusher this gusher shoves past her vocal cords I have no choice but to accept the possibility that my genes may be flawed.

You should see the amount of joy a few donuts provides this girl. All I have to do if she is ever upset with me, no matter the reason, is plop a few bear claws in front of her and clear ass out of the way. I worry that a boyfriend may figure out these parental tools and use them to his advantage somewhere down the line. Of course, at this point her being taken advantage of by a boy is the least of my concerns unless his name is Ronald McDonald ( I am sooo badd!!).

So I have come to you in a desperate plea for help. My daughter’s behavior has become detrimental to my happiness and that of my boyfriend(s). I love her with every part of my being but I know that at some point it may be time just to let go. Have I reached that point? If not, how can I make sure that people know her looks have nothing to do with my parental abilities?

Forever in your debt,

Mother of the Michelin Man