October 14, 2007

In Berlin y’all! It’s so wicked here! I have been a real hoot the whole time! Everyone says so! I have been making pals, laughing, incurring laughter, and high fiving the whole fucking town!! I wish you guys could see how much people here like me, but since you can’t here’s a quick sample of how phenomenal I have been.

It’s check-in time so I mosey on over to a Hostel called ‘The Circus‘ and wait my turn in line! Yeaaaah! My turn comes quickly and the bird at the counter says something like ‘checkin in?’ to which I respond ‘I was trying to check in but I have found myself wanting to check out…(perfectly timed pause) You that is!!!

Game, set and snatch homies – she plays it cool, doing a good job of stifflin her laughter. That’s when she says, all sexy like, ‘Here is your key, and I will need a deposit for the sheets. Wa wa What?!? Pillow talk already. I don’t think I have to spell out for you what she was implying. She was implying that we would soil the sheets with our sinful love making juices. This mama don’t beat around the bush. I tell her the sheet thing is tempting but I just got here and she’s gonna have to simmer on the back burner while I check all available opt’s. I’m an instant hit!

The Ugly Australian

October 5, 2007

I am not one of those guys who would never hit a girl. I don’t think she knows this cause she is giving me good reason to do exactly that.

She is angry because I called her a cunt. I didn’t of course but that is what she would tell you. I called her cunty. Which she is. Now I am explaining the difference between an adjective and a noun.

Lets start somewhere near a beginning. I am in Munich. OktobEERst, ( I made that up). I had got in late, met some like minded folk and headed for the festival. Time and memory went quicker than the liters of beer and before I knew it I was being shaken awake.

Cunty MC Cunington of Cuntsville: ” Shut the fuck up! ”

Hero (Me) : “What?”

It takes me a while to realize that I am back in my hostel room.

CMCoC: “I can’t sleep. Stop fucking snoring!”

I inform said cunt that it could not be me for I am proud recipient of nasal surgery, thus curing me forever of anything resembling her outrageous claims. The rest of the people in the room concur. Not with me unfortunately.

I can’t be bothered however as I head back to my semi-conscious state. I am awake again and with my Mayan like instincts I determine purely based upon the position of the sun that it is morning. A cunt filled whine starts to burn my ears. When I see why my ears are burning my eyes have a similar reaction.

She wants an apology. I inquire as to what it is she wants an apology for cause I flat out refuse to apologise for breathing while sleeping. This logical explanation only seems to enrage her more. Her face grows redder than a baboon cunt.

I cannot emphasize enough that I am not embellishing or exaggerating how outragous this Aussie cunt was. She started to threaten me with pre-emptive nasal surgery to prevent an encore performance the following night. I wanted to tell her that her face looked like god’s first rough draft but I am a gentleman so I told her to stop being so cunty.

Nothing’s louder than a collective gasp.

Now we are back to where I started. Shocked anger does nothing to improve my earlier observation of this cunts facial features. Now the entire room has turned on me. I don’t understand how this word has reached N word status. Cunt is a great word and entirely underused, especially when dealing with the walking epitome of one.

Next day. A gay man at a bath house in San Francisco during gay pride week could not have done a better job of avoiding cunt then I did throughout the rest of my stay. I awoke to something far more beautiful than the rising sun, an empty bed. Our room was officially cunt free. My victory was short lived however as I soon noticed that my IPOD charger had been swiped. I have no proof but I highly suspect the young lady I had the disagreement with might be responsible.


August 20, 2007

In Munich. It’s mainly known for two things Beer and Nazi´s. They would prefer that you only remember the former and it is probably why the shove so much of the latter down your throat. Tourists, including myself, will literally go spend an entire day at Dachau concentration camp and then an entire night drowning in beer at the famous Hofbräuhaus which was the site of one of Hitler’s first propaganda meetings. Now that’s at least Alanis Morissette ironic. I think I’m gonna go now. Yep, yeah I am.