Young Starlet Set to Star in Upcoming Project

Hollywood, CA– Insider sources have confirmed that an up and coming starlet internationally recognized as one of the bright shinning stars on the horizon is set to star in a major motion picture which will go into production some time within the next year or so.

The project, which is reportedly going to cost the studio up to millions of dollars to produce, is widely expected to appeal to a large number of customers in the U.S. as well as internationally and will most likely make millions more back in the box office.Ugh.

Many allegedly involved with the feature are keeping their cards close to their vest leaving the potentially massive audience in collective anticipation.

“I can’t comment on any project in the early stages of development,” said  studio exec Harvey Weinstein from his office in Culver City. “Especially if you continue to refuse to give me even the subtlest hint as to what project you are referring to.”

However frustrating, Weinstein’s reluctance to speak on tinsel town’s darling starlet and her next big move is not exactly atypical in a business full of secrets and surprises. One reason for  all of the secrecy could be due to rumors surfacing around town that the future Oscar contender and her film may be having some trouble getting off the runway. But who cares.

“If there is any truth to these rumors, then we could be dealing with one of the worst cases of career suicide we have seen in years,” said Conner Hughes who wastes his time running an extremely popular entertainment blog. Hughes went on to say that if someone would be a little more specific as to what star or project we were referring to he might be able to “speak on the subject with less blind speculation”.

So the question remains: What exactly is going wrong on the set of this film and why is everyone keeping so mum in a town where gossip normally leaks from every crack and seam?

Some people have even claimed that this project may in fact not exist and, in an even more bizarre twist, have accused this reporter of writing a baseless and ambiguous piece in an effort to mask the fact that instead of doing his job he went out to get drunk with his old college roommate who was going through his second divorce and needed a drinking buddy.

At the time of publication, the roommate in question has not responded to messages left on his cell or home, making no attempt at addressing these allegations.

However, the author of this piece while neither denying or confirming the fabrication of this story did seem to question whether or not he was “wasting his life and Ivy league education” by writing this “incalculably unimportant dribble” before going on to suggest that ” working on the assembly line at a giant cock factory as a giant cock lubricator would be less degrading than his current occupation” and apologizing to his family and the general public for pushing this “mental diarrhea” down their throats while promising to “take a good long look in the mirror” before heading into work the following morning.

Obama Launches Largest Rescue Mission in U.S. History

West Point, NY–  Speaking from West Point on Tuesday Obama announced his intention to launch a massive and unprecedented rescue mission in which he will dispatch up to 30,000 U.S. troops deep into the heart of Afghanistan in hopes of bringing back the 70,000 or so soldiers currently trapped in hostile territory.

“The time for action is now,” Obama said while speaking in front of a group of cadets at West Point. ” We can no longer sit and wonder when our men and women stationed behind enemy lines will be returning home to their families. Which is why I am setting in motion a plan to send a clandestine team of 30,000 rescue troops into Afghanistan to free these brave men and women, finally bringing an end to the injustices they have endured during the last eight years”.

This announcement could not have come sooner for families of the U.S. troops abroad, some of whom have loved ones that have been in Afghanistan for over fourteen months. Troops who have been doing anything they could to survive through a quagmire imposed upon them by the people of Afghanistan when they allowed nineteen Saudi Arabian, Egyptian, and United Emirate hijackers to attack the U.S. on September 11, 2001.

Obama went on to express regret that diplomacy had failed to bring these troops home and assured the U.S. public that his administration considered “every possible action” before deciding that the only sure way to bring home as many men and women possible was to send in additional troops to rescue the troops as well as help with the packing and carrying of wounded soldiers supplies and personal belongings.

Senior administration officials said Tuesday that this was the “largest effort” to bring American troops home from Afghanistan since 2001 and sends a clear message to any enemy of U.S. that we will “no longer idly sit by as they continue in their efforts to defend themselves”.

Obama said that he does not intend to keep the troops in Afghanistan a moment longer than it would take to accomplish the objectives of the mission which include securing all troops and defeating anyone determined to be an enemy, before swiftly instituting country wide infrastructure and a working Afghan government to ensure that the few remaining enemies of the U.S. don’t try to “pull another stunt like this ever again”.

President Obama finished his speech with a bold guarantee to bring home the troops in Afghanistan and end a seemingly endless war.

“We cannot and shall not fail in this historic mission to bring these troops home safe. It will not be easy, it never is. But I can guarantee you that this mission will be a success, I will bring these soldiers home by 2011 or, at the very latest, by the time that the war is over”.

Did Nostradamus Predict the Current Weather?

With  cold weather patterns appearing all across the Northern Hemisphere, many have pointed to predictions made by the controversial French apothecary Nostradamus as evidence that he may have truly been able to see hundreds of years into the future.

“It can not be refuted,” said Dr. Richard Bishop a world renowned expert in the life and works of Nostradamus, ” that Nostradamus accurately predicted that towards the end of the year of our lord 2009, we would experience a temporary climate change which would last roughly between two to four months and would mainly consist of colder temperature including rain and snow fall as well as shorter days.”

Although translations differ slightly depending on the translator, most experts agree that in his great work known as “The Prophecies” Nostradamus predicted a period at the end of 2009 where we would see ” the sky suddenly turn gray as steel  and release upon the land thousands of cold pellets which will cover the earth and cause great distress to the masses…”. A quotation which clearly refers to the snowfall we have been experiencing around the world in the past few weeks.

Although it is too soon to be certain, it appears that so far Nostradamus was correct. Areas throughout the Northern Hemisphere have been experiencing this prediction on a massive scale. So far in the US alone we have seen snow fall and colder weather eerily similar to the descriptions of “cold pellets” and “gray skies” made in the mid Sixteenth century by Nostradamus.

  With more and more occurrences like the snowfall or “cold pellets” falling in Utah last week (pictured to the left), it is becoming somewhat difficult for the naysayers to argue against the accuracy of the predictions made by Nostradamus.

Despite the evidence which continues to pile up with every snowflake, there are some skeptics.

“It boggles my mind that so-called intellectuals would take a vague writing like the ones being attributed to the current weather and say this is what Nostradamus meant in his writings. In fact, I find it to be incredibly irresponsible”.

Climatologist Nick Burgen said from his home in New Hampshire.

“No, these predictions are clearly referring to some sort of cataclysmic event besides the weather. What we need to do now is figure out what Nostradamus meant by “cold pellets” and prepare ourselves for this coming disaster before it is too late.”

With this latest prophecy proving to be true many have began to wonder and worry about other more ominous predictions made by Nostradamus that may come true with the passing of time.

“We now know that these predictions are accurate and we would be fools to ignore them,” Dr. Bishop said,” I have already began preparations for an extended period half way into next year where Nostradamus has predicted ‘a great heat where the sun shall kiss the earth burning away the layers of snow and flooding the valleys”.

“I will not be unprepared this time”.

Trump Sightings On the Rise in Yellowstone National Park

Cheyenne, WY- Reported sightings of a Donald Trump have skyrocketed in the past few weeks in or around Yellowstone National Park, with park rangers, tourists, and residents alike coming forward to report seeing ‘the Donald’; some of whom claim to have had intimate interactions with the elusive entrepreneur.

“I had heard of the recent sightings of the Donald but dismissed them as third hand rumors, ones which I did not take seriously,”said Elliott Myers, a Yellowstone Ranger with fifteen years of service in the park. ” So you could imagine my shock when I practically ran into one three weeks ago while on patrol. It seemed to be docile, but just to play it safe I released about half a can of bear mace into what I assumed to be it’s eyes before making a run for it.”

Ranger Myers says he has become less skeptical of other Trump sightings since seeing it in person that day and his account adds to a growing list of similar sightings, including one from David Ellis, an avid bird watcher who frequents the park during the weekends.

“I was birdwatching last Saturday when I saw a blinding reflection of light coming from about a mile to the east”. Reported  Ellis, who tracked the reflection to within a few hundred feet but halted his pursuit when he realized the reflections were coming from the wrist and fingers of what appeared to be a Donald Trump. “I watched it from a far for a while, it seemed to be using some sort of tool to mark off a circular area in a clearing at the bottom of a hill. When it was finished with that, it took out a flag and placed it  in the center of the circle and that’s when it appeared to become aware of my presence.”

When asked how he was certain that the Donald had become aware that it was being watched?

” It sounds crazy but the Donald appeared to be winking at me and gesturing with his finger over his mouth. Although to be honest, those are details I decided to omit when I reported the sighting to the authorities.”

Ellis claims that he was turned away at the cabin after the rangers laughed off his report, and failed to investigate or even log his account in their files.

Since the beginning of August, reported sightings of the Donald have been coming into Yellow Stone Park HQ on a weekly basis, so many, that the park service held a press conference on Tuesday where Public Relations Director Steve Cooligan announced that an official investigation into the sightings had been opened.

While it may seem irrelevant whether or not these recent Trump sitings are true or merely a product of a collective imagination, if they do find them to be accurate, there is some precedent for Yellowstone officials to be concerned. Previous reported sightings of a Donald Trump in New York, New Jersey, California and overseas have been accompanied in the following months with the appearance of ostentatious buildings and environmentally destructive golf courses that have left residents in the effected areas wishing they had listened to those who claimed they saw the trademark golden puff of hair out and about prior to the subsequent development.

The general feeling from both officials and residents of Yellowstone is more of skepticism than concern, however, many including Mike Hannigan, who is considered to be the foremost Trump expert in North America, feel that the Yellowstone sightings may be more fact than folklore.

“Many of the key ingredients are here: reports of a strong smell of Mambo Cologne throughout the park, the appearance of heavy landscaping equipment in neighboring towns, the sudden and ubiquitous presence of literature bad mouthing Theodore Roosevelt, these along with the enumerable amounts of reported sightings have led me to believe that the Donald may very well be somewhere in Yellowstone”.

Socialist Successfully Overthrows U.S. Government

Washington D.C.– Socialist Barack Obama made good on his intentions to “fundamentally change” the U.S. on Tuesday, by instigating a political coup d’etat and seizing power of the Executive Branch of the United States of America.

Obama, along with a fringe group of 63 million American radicals, gained control by coordinating an immensely organized strike, which they launched from churches, postal offices and elementary schools in practically every city in America.

Senator Obama, who is known for his disgust with the American flag and everything it represents, began his coup almost two years ago by touring the country and openly berating it’s policies as well as commander in chief George W. Bush, steadily gaining supporters along the way. In his numerous speeches he made no attempt to be clandestine in his intentions to remove sitting President Bush and take control of the United States,  even going as far as revealing policies he planned to institute if he was successful. Policies which include raising taxes, redistributing wealth and, in his own words, “securing health care for every American”.

Socialists galvanized around Obama and his interest in removing the President of the United States from power, displaying their shared convictions by touting Obama paraphernalia on their cars, homes, or person and attending his rallies around the country in support of his nefarious plans of subversion. But it didn’t stop there, some have estimated that as a many as five million rebels actively participated in the coup; spreading anti-capitalist propaganda in person, over the phone, and on the web.

Many, most notably Senator McCain and Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin, have been warning Americans of Obama and his intentions for some time. Both McCain and Palin made valiant efforts to get the word out on not only Barack Obama’s socialist agenda, but his questionable relations with known terrorists and fanatics as well. Governor Sarah Palin in particular, attempted to highlight these relations in a speech in Englewood, Colorado where she told of the Senator’s fondness for “palling around with terrorists”.

In the wake of the takeover, Republican Senator Mel Martinez has placed the blame squarely at the feet of the Bush Administration, criticizing the former president in an interview Tuesday evening.

“The Bush administration has failed us by refusing to acknowledge and deal with the Obama threat. If they had acted instead of being complacent, we would not be in this situation today.”

Martinez went on to point out the various ways in which the administration refused to take the socialist threat seriously, citing a speech Obama game in Berlin last July where he announced to 100,000 people that “this is our moment” and advocated drastic policy change. Martinez believes that statements like these were made by Obama in an attempt to gain support from the rest of the world in anticipation of his takeover.

It has yet to be seen how long Obama and his socialist agenda will remain in power, with experts predicting that it may be anywhere from four to eight years before his reign ends. Even then, Obama has already stated that his second in command, Senator Joe Biden, would be an excellent replacement.

McCain Encourages Crowd To Get out and Vote Nov. 5th

Tallahassee, Florida– At one of his last minute speeches before election day, McCain made a brief campaign stop at a NAACP meeting in Florida where he encouraged the audience to show up and make their voice heard at the polls this Wednesday.

” Regardless of your political affiliation or who you support in this election,” McCain proclaimed before an audience of around 5,000, ” It is imperative that you are involved in the political process and have your voices heard by getting out to the ballot boxes and voting this Wednesday, November the 5th”.

McCain went on to encourage the audience to not only vote themselves but to get the word out to friends, relatives, co-workers and stress the importance of partaking in this election.

“I realize you are hard working Americans who might find it difficult to get out to the polls. But in this, the  greatest democracy in the world, it is of utmost importance that you get involved in the political process. So this Wednesday morning get up early if you have to, carpool if you have to, but make sure you show up and vote for your candidate. ”

Local auto mechanic Ray Davis who was present at the speech, expressed his concern about voting ” I am a little embarrassed, I took off the Tuesday to go vote,  and I don’t think that my boss is going to let me have Wednesday off as well. It looks like I really screwed the pooch on this one”.

The speech was short and to the point with the emphasis on the importance of voting than on the plans or policies he will institute if elected.

“While Senator Obama is still pushing the same old agenda we have heard from him for the past couple of years, myself and Governor Palin have decided it is more important that you get out and have your voices heard regardless of who you support. When the dust settles on Wednesday evening, the people will have spoken and that is the most important part of any election “.

Lone Black Guy Allegedly Not Responsible for Stolen Laptop

Chicago, Illinois.– In  a bizarre story in which a laptop was stolen from Java’s Coffee and Internet Cafe in Northbrook, African American Charles Whitman, who was at the scene of the crime has been cleared as a suspect by the Northbrook Police Department.

The owner of the stolen laptop, Jonas Stein, first reported the laptop stolen on Monday, after returning from the bathroom to find it missing from the table where he left it unattended, failing to notice the arrival of Charles Whitman.

“I went to the bathroom for a few minutes and when I came back I was shocked to see my laptop had disappeared, I wasn’t told until later that Charles Whitman had been lurking about, cleverly hiding behind the pages of a Wall Street Journal the entire time.”

After wasting time questioning the suburban patrons of the shop, owner Ted Hayes decided to get the police involved. Lt. Steve Colligan was first at the scene and told of his investigation in a phone call Monday evening.

” After learning of Whitman’s suspicious presence at the scene and his swift departure after an amateur strip search by Mr. Hayes, we went to Mr. Whitman’s residence to make the arrest but due to the lack of witnesses willing to come forward, and a failure to find the missing laptop on Whitman’s person or property, we have yet to gather enough evidence to make a conviction.”

At the time of the crime there were only a few people inside the business, none of whom were willing to report seeing Stein’s laptop taken by Whitman and cowardly refuse to admit that they saw Whitman run from the shop like a Kenyan sprinter, sweat glistening off his dark hide as he made his escape.

” I have known Charles for a few years now,” said Kaitlin Conner who has been working at the Cafe for several years, “he comes in almost everyday, always pays and even tips. I was not working on Monday but when I found out that someone had stolen a laptop from the Cafe, I felt betrayed by Charles, I thought of him as a friend but I now know that he was just scouting the place the whole time looking for the right moment to strike. The worst part is it looks like he is going to get away with it.”

This is not the first case of recent in which police failed to get a conviction or even make an arrest when obvious culprits have been present at the scene of a crime, a trend which according to District Attorney Clive Hansen, has become all to common in Northbrook.

“Crime has been steadily rising in the past few years while conversely, convictions have been on the decline. While I by no means am excusing myself from blame, police have made it all to easy for criminals like Charles Whitman to run wild by failing to gather enough evidence for me to make a case, even in an open and shut cases like this one. What alarms me the most is that Charles Whitman has no criminal record, not even a drinking in public or marijuana conviction, it’s scary to think of how many crimes Mr. Whitman has been able to get away with due to the incompetence of the Northbrook Police Department”.

For now, the Northbrook Police department is forced to rule Whitman out as a suspect but are optimistic that their  surveillance of his home and medical practice will bring to light enough evidence for an indictment.

Whitman was not contacted for this story due to the assumption that he was not up to date on his pre-paid cell phone bill.

Bush Declares Hurricane Gustav a Dismal Failure.

Washington, D.C.- In an interview on board Air Force One as it circled the destruction caused by Hurricane Gustav on Monday, Bush expressed his disappointment in Gustav’s failure to live up to it’s expected level of devastation in the Gulf Coast.

“I knew I should not have listened to all of the pre-coverage,” Bush said as he polished off his second bag of popcorn, ” I went in with too high of expectations.” Bush also blames his misguided enthusiasm on what he referred to as the ’sequel curse’ explaining that Katrina had everything; a storm most citizens underestimated, a broken levee, and, an incomparable failure to respond by the local, State and Federal government. “Put all those ingredients in the pot and stir it up and you have an instant classic, nearly impossible to top.”

Bush cited one of the reasons for his excitement for the upcoming hurricane season, in particular Hurricane Gustav, as the cataclysmic level of disasters occurring around the world in the past few years increases. ” Countries from all over the world have been stepping it up in the past few years with disasters getting bigger, badder, and more exciting than ever before. The Tsunami in Indonesia was amazing but lacked the human ineptitude and corruption that Katrina supplied a year later, as well as the lack of care for their own citizens well being that catastrophes in Myanmar and China followed with most recently.”

Bush said he was impressed by the amount of damage in the Sichuan earthquake in China but what amazed him the most, was the timing. ” I don’t think the timing could have been better, they left just enough time between the quake and the Olympics to gain some sympathy and deflect some human rights issues in time for their Olympic debut, I was really hoping we would have a response this hurricane season but it doesn’t look like that is going to happen.”

Bush had plenty of time on the flight home to critique Gustav, claiming that he hasn’t been this disappointed in a potential disaster since Y2K and expressing regret that he had left this disaster up to mother nature.

“A lot of work went into making sure Katrina was an unprecedented disaster, but with expectations already high for Gustav, I figured I would let mother nature do the work, it was a miscalculation and mistake on my part.”

“I think I might have been getting spoiled as of late,” Bush mused in between twizzlers,”it’s not just Katrina, tragedies like 9/11 and the Iraq war have really set the bar high.” Bush went on to say that “No one knew what to expect with 9/11, it was a low budget man-made disaster,with a small crew ,but after it’s success I knew I would finally get the funding to do my dream project, and honor my father’s underrated Gulf War with a sequel.”

“By bringing back Gulf War veterans like Saddam Hussein and Colin Powell, we  are able to stay true to the original while building on to the story by introducing exciting new nemesis Ala Osama, the Taliban, Al Qaeda, …” at this point Bush became teary eyed and paused before concluding” my father left some big shoes to fill with Gulf War one, a lot of unanswered questions, I can only hope we came close to answering some of them in this war.”

With the plane heading east towards D.C. and President Bush coming down from his sugar high, he began to nod off but not before responding to one last question, when asked what was next for the soon to be former President?

“I am by no means retiring when I leave office, ” he said leaving little doubt,” but I plan on taking a less hands on, more behind the scenes role on any catastrophes, disasters, calamities, or epidemics in the future, ” after a few contemplative moments a mischievous smile overtook his face, “I don’t know what I’ll be doing yet, maybe I’ll bring Osama back, I’ve always been a sucker for the false flag attack, you’ll just have to wait and see, I like to keep people on their toes.”

No Idiots, China Won the Olympics

Now that the Olympics are officially over, I want to take a moment to point out the absurdity of the medal tracking used by major media outlets, at least here in the United States. Similar to the tracker below from CNN, we are forgetting to weight these fucking scores when determining the most successful countries in all around Olympic performance. CNN will have you believe that the United States won the “Gold” in the Olympics, but I beg to differ.

Let’s do some simple math to determine the real winner….

Gold = 3 points

Silver = 2 points

Bronze = 1 point

*The country with the most cumulative points wins. It’s that simple.

United States Point Breakdown:

36 Gold (36*3) = 108

38 Silver (38*2) = 76

36 Bronze (36*1) = 36

Total points for the United States = 220

China Points breakdown:

51 Gold (51*3) = 153

21 Silver (21*2) = 42

28 Bronze (28*1) = 28

Total points for China = 223

China won the fucking Olympics. The prehistorically simple medal tracking calculation needs to go, and I believe that I have proposed a fair solution. In gymnastics, diving, and an absurd number of other more obscure sports, scores are calculated to the hundredth of a point, but for the big win, the all around most athletically badass country, we resort to simply going with the total number of medals. What the fuck. I hate to say it, but China won the Olympics…by one twelve year-old gymnast.

Update:  Great post on China winning the Olympics.

Now That’s a Good Time

“I go back there, and the guy’s stepping on garlic,” said Dan Barreto, who used to eat at the restaurant. “There he was just jumping up and down on it, smashing it up, having a good time.”

The health department does not consider a person’s shoe or boot a proper instrument to use in food preparation, senior public health sanitarian John Stoughton said Tuesday.

The quote from the health department seems too obvious to state but I wish the picture included a full shot of the guy “smashing it up” and “having a good time.”