November 6, 2011
America, U.S.A.- The 11th anniversary of the eleventh of September 2001 is ten months from now making many Americans wonder what has changed since Sadam Obama Ladin attacked us on that fateful summer afternoon.
“I am not racist,” said an American, ” but there is something about Barack O’Bama that makes me wonder whether or not he is actually white.”
In fact many Americans including many Americans included in this study, have concluded that this country has become less and less American as more and more surveys of Americans are shipped overseas.
When asked in a survey of Americans if this was true an astounding 98% replied “Je ne parle pas anglais et n’ont aucune idée de ce que vous me demandez”.
August 16, 2011
Monterey Bay, CA– Despite the existence of ubiquitous poverty, a global clean water epidemic, or even falling literacy rates in the Philippines among millions of other problems that desperately need to be addressed, Jim and Susan Smeale of Monterey, California have started a charity with the goal of moving a group of sea turtles to a more remote location off the coast of northern California so that they can be more isolated from humankind.
“These majestic creatures need our help. Human intrusion into their habitat has deprived them of enough space to move about every day. This injustice must end” Said Susan Smeale with a straight face.
Even though the Smeales are both well educated and were fully equipped with the knowledge that millions in Africa continue to starve they went ahead and set up this charity earlier in the year and are asking people who live in a world where children are sold as sex slaves to donate their money to move some turtles farther down the coastline.
“These turtles need a place where they can frolic and be themselves with out being intruded upon by mankind” Jim Smeagle said from a top his high horse,” If we raise two million dollars we can make these turtles’ dreams a reality.”
If the Smeales succeed in their goal they will have solved an issue that has been plaguing several dozen sea turtles in northern Monterey for the past three and a half years.
August 15, 2011
Washington, DC — A report conducted by the Defense Accountability Foundation has found that drone attacks conducted in Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan since 2003 have wasted hundreds of millions of US tax dollars by dropping bombs on targets that have never posed a threat to the United States.
“Every time we drop a bomb that lands on a school or hospital we literally waste millions of dollars that could have gone towards destroying Taliban strongholds.” Said General Dimitri Collins who has been head of northwestern Afghanistan commands since 2009.
While some are skeptical of these findings the military itself admitted in an August 2011 press release that a bomb dropped over northwest Pakistan last May killed an initially impressive 302 people until an investigation revealed that only five of the 302 killed were considered hostile. The other 297 were civilians attending an annual fair celebrating the coming of Summer. The total cost for this mission? 3.4 million dollars. That means that the US tax payer paid $680,000 for every insurgent killed in the attack.
“Every hard working American should be outraged by these numbers.” Said Sam Mertins who runs a blog with the intent of holding the US government accountable for it’s spending. “It makes me sick to think that my children’s children will be paying off debt from buying bombs that were mostly wasted killing women and children when that money could have been used to bomb terrorists.”
August 14, 2011
Charleston, SC — A forty acre plot of land in the suburbs of Charleston that was promised to John Williams, a slave freed by the Union Army in 1865, will be used instead as a parking lot for the 428th Costco Store to be built in the United States.
Williams, a slave for most of his life until his emancipation by northern troops, joined the Union army after being promised under the Special Field Order, No. 15 of General Sherman that he would be awarded forty acres and a mule for his service.
The United States decided shortly after the war ended that it would be better if they didn’t give any black soldiers any land at all.
Williams’ great-great-grandson Tyler (pictured to the left) will not be able to enjoy the land that should have been passed down by his great-great-grandfather but said he hopes to get a job working for the store when it opens January of next year.
Costco spokesman Dan Harmen said that the parking lot will feature up to 1500 spaces including 100 handicapped spots, ample room for larger vehicles and even a 20 minutes or less parking area for those on the go.
August 5, 2011
Texas– Doctors in care of Congresswoman Gabby Giffords said on Tuesday that the Congresswoman was no more than six weeks away from her first photo shoot since being tragically shot in the brain last January.
“If Gabby continues to improve the way she has in the past couple of months then there is no reason to believe that she won’t be gracing the glossy pages of People magazine with her trademark beautiful smile that has brought joy to so many men.” Said a doctor.
Of course, as of now her face is mostly paralyzed and if that doesn’t improve by the August 29th deadline then Giffords will not be allowed to be the cover for that edition.
If she fails to make the deadline?
“I don’t know I think we might do like a back to school cover with the cast of Glee,” said Editor in chief Barbara Summer from her amazing lake house ” Something vintage yet modern with each cast member representing a different season.”
I can’t speak for anyone but I will say that it sounds absolutely won-Glee-full!
July 21, 2011
Orlando, FL- Police are looking for 3 year old David Williams who went missing from him home last Sunday around 3 P.M. and are asking civilians to be on the lookout for a small boy in a blue shirt and red pants, around the age of three who is just the cutest little black kid you will ever see.
Williams parents say that their child was playing on the front yard the last time they saw him on Sunday.
David or “Davie” as he goes by is so loveable and gregarious it comes as no surprise to many who knew him that he would be a target for abduction.
“I had thought of stuffing him in my pocket and taking him home to the family a few times myself,” said Shelly Siefert a next door neighbor “Of course I am kidding but have you seen pictures of him when he is in overalls? Or a video of his dance routine he does? Seriously who wouldn’t want to abduct that darling muffin! On a serious note though it is awful whatever happened to little wittle bittle Davie Wavy.”
Davie Wavy is gone for good but not forgotten, neighbors and friends of the family agree that they will miss his incredibly appealing looks and delectable mannerisms.
May 29, 2011
Houston– Former NBA star and Head Coach Kevin McHale signed a four year contract on Thursday to be the next head coach of the Houston Rockets after debating the pros and cons for nearly a week. “When it came down to it the money offered was pretty good and I really wasn’t doing a whole lot with my time” McHale said at the press conference announcing his new role with the Rockets . “Kevin McHale was a choice for our team and its future” said Daryl Morey the Rocket’s General Manager “there was not a lot of options available and he accepted our offer”. So what does McHale have in store for the Rockets? “We have a tough road ahead with the team needing to get better, rebuild and what not. I need to find an apartment, lots to do. Lots to do.”
May 11, 2011
Washington, D.C.– The White House released more details today about the daring assault by an elite Team of Navy Seals on a compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan that killed Osama Bin Laden. The latest details contradict earlier reports including the number of Navy Seals used in the raid, the number of people killed at the compound, and that fact that Osama Bin Laden, the world’s most wanted man, actually existed.
From the moment the story of the raid broke the media has bombarded the public with misinformation much of which came directly, or indirectly, from the white house itself but this latest release that Osama Bin Laden was not killed in the raid since he never existed in the first place has to be the most revealing detail to date.
According to the release, Osama Bin Laden was a fictional character created almost three decades ago by the U.S. government and has been used by several administrations as a scapegoat and boogieman to keep Americans feeling vulnerable to attacks which in turn makes them more likely to pass legislation that pays for wars which create profit that goes directly back into the pockets of the elite.
This announcement should come as a surprise and possibly enrage family members of the victims of “Osama Bin Laden” who may not welcome the news that their family members were murdered by their own government in a false flag attack.
Some even speculate that this latest news may damage the feelings of closure that many Americans experienced after hearing the news that a person they believed had attacked their country (and actually existed) was killed in a raid. I for one applaud the White House for their honesty and encourage all Americans to do the same.
March 1, 2011
Local high school coach and owner of Wheaton’s Mad Mad Meat Emporium, Arthur Wheaton, passed away on Sunday after a short but hard fought battle with traumatic brain injury which he had been fighting ever since he was diagnosed with it on Sunday.
Traumatic Brain Injury, or TBI for short, has perplexed doctors and scholars for a century. The mysterious affliction can affect seemingly anyone at anytime regardless of genetics, lifestyle or sexual orientation.
“It is possible that Wheaton developed TBI as a result of the severe car accident he was involved in prior to being diagnosed,” whispered Dr. Mark Willow, Wheaton’s attending physician, “Of course, it’s also possible he had TBI prior to the crash. There is no way of knowing for sure, we simply don’t have the technology.”
Officer Randy Braden was first on the scene of the accident.
“If you look at the tire marks you can tell that Mr. Wheaton was driving fairly erratically prior to crashing into the side of the CVS store. I am no expert but I am going to speculate that if he was suffering from symptoms of TBI which include crushed cheekbone, massive blood loss and bruised brain, those symptoms could have prevented him from driving properly and may have contributed to him smashing into the side of the store at eighty miles an hour.”
February 12, 2011
Despite performing the most amazing wheelie of his life, sixth grader Danny Nueben failed to impress longtime crush Rachel Hanson who he had held feelings for since the third grade.
Nueben had been practicing wheelies ever since he learned three weeks prior that Hanson lived two blocks south of his house in a visually opportunistic Cul-de-sac. After several stake outs Nueben learned that Rachel and her family usually departed their home for Sunday mass around the same time every week.
Utilizing this information he plotted a course of action which he believed would place him directly in front of the Hanson home precisely as they exited for church. He hoped that the attention he would receive from the wheelie would help to fill up the gaping hole in his heart that he had suffered since losing his biological and legal parents to a faulty escalator the previous month.
Come Sunday morning Nueben rounded the corner to the Cul-de-sac just as the Hansons were leaving for church. Nueben proceeded to perform the longest wheelie of his life which lasted well over six seconds all of which was easily viewable by the departing Hanson family.
Unfortunately Rachel Hanson had gone back inside the house prior to the wheelie to look for a missing glove and missed the entire stunt.
At the time of publication of this article Rachel Hanson was unaware of Danny Nueben’s existence.