Yo, Who the Fuck Peed My Bed?

There are certain things that are a given when one becomes a Delta KI fraternity brother, all night ragers, boatloads of clam, and of course - practical jokes. Don’t even pledge if you can’t handle waking abruptly from a drunken stupor with your ass hair on fire and fag magnet scribbled across your forehead, its tradition brotha. If you can’t handle it then I guess you’re not delta material. But Last night someone crossed the line and I want answers, mainly who the fuck peed my bed?

Not cool, bro. It may not be in the official delta KI pledge book, but sometimes you have to read between the lines. Sure, hazing is a big part of the fraternal tradition but I paid my dues and I’m a made man. Nobody can do something like that to The P Unit without serious repercussions. Last night started off killer, first night of pledging, Homecoming pre-party, and the giz pulled through last minute with some killer E., so of course the Poon Palace was overflowing. Four hours, three keg stands, and a couple of bong hits later and I am ready to hit the sac. Skeez pulled a last minute cock block and I was planning on a rare night alone in my bed. No big - it had been a while since I could stretch out my legs with out cramming them into some skank that the P Unit gave the sauce to the night before.

You could imagine how angry I was when woke up with the usual hazy memory and hangover accompanied by something I haven’t felt in years; the burning sensation of acidic urine clinging to my body. Not since I was little have I felt this awful sensation. The perpetrator will be caught and will be punished accordingly. I have narrowed it down to a few likely candidates:

The Skeez: Possible, me and the skeez have been boys since we pledged together but as much as he claims he doesn’t care, I still have my suspicions that he hasn’t gotten over me banging his sisters. That was three years ago but I still since some anger there. He knows the rules though: all’s fair in love and whores.

Mcnugget: Every year we have a pledge like this guy, full of heart and willing to do anything to be a part of the family, but for whatever reason they are just not delta material. In his case it’s because he reeks of fag. We would have kicked him out long ago if he hadn’t OD’d after he accidentally swallowed those roofies at our Halloween party. Man he was in the hospital for like three days. It was Hilarious.

Hollywood Jon: Me and him are boys but sometimes I just don’t trust this dude. The morning of the piss incident he claimed he passed out on the lawn but Grouch did the same thing, and he says that he was the only one out there. I know for a fact that grouch was out there because I saw him around two, banging that new frosh from Alpha Phi. Getting bush IN A BUSH! Grouch is the man.

The truth is, at this point in time, I have no idea. It could be any of these guys or any brotha for that matter. You never know with these crazy fucks, lord knows I have done some fucked up shit in my day. It might take time but I will find the responsible party and frat grind the shit out of them. After that I am gonna find out who stuck a used condom up my ass, I still can’t walk straight.

I’d Be An Amazing Cripple.

Nope, that’s not me. If it was, I’d look much better than that guy, and BTW, so would the lady next to me. Unfortunately I’m as healthy as can be, but you can bet your lucky penny that if I was handicapped handicap able, I would be, at the least, absurdly upbeat.

If there is one thing that makes me question our Lord’s infinite wisdom, it would have to be the fact that I am still walking around with four fully functional limbs. I have no doubt that if given the chance- I’d make your spine tingle with awe as you watched me overcoming any sort of incurable deformity. Let’s face it, cripples usually fall into one of two categories- incredibly inspiring or pathetically depressing. I don’t think I have to spell out for you which category is lacking more people than limbs. It’s the inspiring one. Well if I got hit by a bus tomorrow or somehow lost my arm, I would be America’s next top gimp.

It seems like only whiny pussies get to be handicapped these days. What an incredible waste of opportunity. From the born tards to the spontaneously disabled, most of these “people” are totally lacking in the motivation department. Everyone always points to Christopher Reeves as a suitable example of someone who overcame his disability. Please, you’re talking about a man who literally did not get back on the horse. And we’re supposed to be impressed. If that happened to me I would be racing the next Seabuscit within a year. Oh but RIP Superman, cause you didn’t do enough resting the latter half of your life.

Then you have the vets. Am I the only one who thinks these guys are the absolute worst of the worst? Boo hoo I went to war and you’ll never believe what happened! The enemy made a boo boo. Whaaaaah. Man, If I didn’t have flat feet I would be getting blown to pieces by an IED right now. And guess what G.I. Joe? I wouldn’t be whining about some hospital, I’d be teaching inner-city blacks how to play basketball before heading off to a sold out speaking engagement. That’s life though, bitter sweet. It’s true I was born with the ability, and more than enough talent to inspire the masses, but unfortunately for you, I have yet to find myself in the wrong place at the right time. You have no idea how it feels to have this much potential go to waste. It’s terrible. I would not wish it on anyone. At least the disabled are given the chance to be disabled, even if ninety-nine point nine percent of them totally blow it. I’m disabled when it comes to being disabled and that’s worse than any disability I could ever imagine.

Quick Vote

Saving Britney Spears: Can the power of prayer make a difference?

Yes

No

This is an actual vote that they are doing on CNNs website. I am not coming back.

9 Facts About WSM Traffic

Top Nine Facts About WSM Traffic Over the Past 2 Months:

Check it out Todd.

9. Record number of unique visitors* in one day is 1,165.

8. The top five pages on the site, according to page views are: The Homepage, How to get Conned in Ten Quick and Easy Steps, The Most Ridiculous Picture in the History of Baseball, About, and Pit Bull vs Porcupine.

7. Visitors came from all 50 states with the top 10 being: California, Colorado, New York, Texas, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania, Illinois, Florida, North Carolina, and New Jersey.

6. Visitors came from 65 countries with the top 5 being: The United States, Canada, The United Kingdom, Australia and Italy. Others include: Kuwait, Estonia, United Arab Emirates, Saudi Arabia, South Korea, Israel, South Africa, Ghana and Nigeria.

5. Visitors spent an average of 2 minutes and 4 seconds on the site.

4. The site received 9,656 page views with an average of 2.09 page
views per visit.

3. The site received 4,618 unique visits.

2. 239 unique visits came from searches for “worlds smartest man”.

1. 81% of traffic was sent from search engines and referring sites.

*Unique Visitors: The number of unduplicated (counted only once)
visitors to your website.

Johny

Snapple Facts are lame.

Top 19 in No Particluar Order:

I tend to like them, but I thought it would sound cooler if I said they were lame.

1. Mosquitoes are attracted to people who just ate bananas.

2. The average human will eat an average of 8 spiders while sleeping.

3. A duck’s quack doesn’t echo.

4. Mosquitoes have 47 teeth.

5. A Goldfish’s attention span is three seconds (Prove it).

6. The world’s termites outweigh the world’s humans 10 to 1.

7. Lizards communicate by doing push-ups.

8. Beavers were once the size of bears.

9. Alaska is the most eastern and western state in the U.S.

10. Brain waves can be used to power an electric train.

11. On average, you’ll spend a year of your life looking for misplaced objects.

12. Lobsters can live up to 50 years.

13. New York city is made up of 50 islands.

14. It is against the law to put pretzels in bags in Philadelphia.

15. The first penny had the motto “Mind Your Own Business.”

16. The first VCR was made in 1956 and was the size fo a piano.

17. The Sahara Desert stretches farther than the distance from California to New York.

18. Over one million Earths would fit inside the sun.

19. China only has one timezone.

Johny

Musings of a Humble Super Genius

– Its ironic but the word ironic is almost always used incorrectly.

– Big Ben has got to be the lamest tourist attraction of all time right in front of the leaning tower of Pizza. I don’t know about you but if you’re going to go see a big clock it had better be falling on top of some sort of evil sea captain. I know its not pizza.

– Confidence is like beer. The more beer you drink the more confidence you have.

– I don’t play the piano but if I did you could bet your soiled panties I’d be better than that cumrag from Coldplay.

– Mustaches will make a comeback. It’s inevitable.

– Your pet hates you.

– Greer should make a shirt that says “Wish you were Greer.”

– There’s no accounting for bad accounting.

– There is no fucking way that old cunt James Brown is the hardest working man in showbiz.

– If I dropped my Ipod as many times as I’ve dropped this baby I would have one retarded Ipod.