You’re Not the First Woman Ever to get Pregnant.

Is it just me or does it seem like every woman these days who gets pregnant flaunts it like it’s some great achievement? Excuse me if I am not impressed that you got bent over, filled up and now have a chubby bald creature growing in your stomach.

And they talk about it non stop. Every time I interact with a pregnant woman it’s nothing but how their baby is doing and how far along they are blah blah blah.

Look, I am happy for you and all but I don’t give a fuck it turns out to be a boy, a girl or if it pops out of your stomach like that creature from Aliens. And guess what? My feet are sore too, I played four fucking hours of racquetball yesterday.

Sorry, I know I may come off as an asshole but I am not touching your big, protruding, globular belly. It’s not beautiful-it’s gross. I am pretty proud of my dick yet I somehow am able to stop myself from grabbing peoples hands and stuffing them down my fucking trousers.

Long story short- everyone has babies; yours is not a miracle. The only miraculous thing, as far as I can tell, is that you actually found a man willing to stick his thingy into that Venus fly trap of a vagina.

About the Author: Dr. Mark Stevens is Co-Author of the book Series “What to Expect When you are Expecting” and a columnist for Obgyn.net. He has been a practising OB/GYN in the Seattle area for over twenty-seven years and is widely recognized as one of the foremost experts in his field.