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I Get Around

December 1, 2007

Thailand. Still here.
What have I done?

How ’bout witnessed one of the greatest things ever, which pretty much, consists of this. And if that doesn’t change your life, I guarantee this will.

Facts I’ve learned thus far:

1) There are two types of elephants:

A: Asian

B: African

Main Diff:

Asians are terrible drivers.

I have learned a lot.

And I mean A- LOT.

One of the main things that I have learned on my journey, is that blogs and links are way too linked with one another.

This has to change.

Also I am incredibly worldly now so watch out. AKA I would rather eat John Goodman’s stool after fajita night than listen to anyone who hasn’t spent at least four days in AO Nang.

Don’t hate.

I’m just a Black Man caught up in the Mix.

How to Navigate Thailand: From The Toots’ to the Tuk-tuks

November 16, 2007

Finally made it to Phuket. Phuket is a large Island off the east coast of Thailand or west.  I don’t know which is east and which is west in this part of the world. I guess I just don’t care. I was happy to escape the chaos of Bangkok to what I thought would be the picturesque beaches of Phuket.

Phuket is a pretty big Island and is probably best known for Patong Beach. I found out when I got to my hostel that I was about a thirty minute cab ride from Patong. Not a problem though, the bus to Patong cost 20 baht (about 60 Cents) and you can catch a Tuk Tuk for around six bucks one-way. The biggest problem with the tourist industry in Thailand is over-saturation. Tuk Tuk drivers are more ubiquitous than the smell of sewage and you can’t go ten feet, even in a less touristic place like Phuket town, without being hassled by one.

If you wanna travel super cheap, you can actually get on the back of a moped and go virtually anywhere on the island for no more than a few bucks. I have not done this myself. I already flipped one scooter on this trip and these guys drive like they have the ability to regrow limbs.

I prefer the Tuk Tuk. Most Thai people speak enough English to try and sell you anything and everything with the persistence of a prom date trying to seal the deal before curfew. This is especially true with the Tuk Tuk driver.

Even when you agree on a fair the selling is far from over. A lot of the time they want you to go to some sort of shop where they get a stamp for bringing in cluelss and confused westerners who swear they told the driver to go to the beach and have somehow found themselves at a jewelry store miles from the shore. A lot of times they will try to guilt you into going into the store by showing you a card, similar to one you would get a sub shop, and they always are one stamp away from a free tank of gas.

“Oh pwease welly quick you go five minutes I get free gas!”

Recently, after repeated attempts to explain that I would not go to the tourist shop on one ride, I found myself at yet another tourist trap. I walked in and told the people there that I was abducted and had absolutely no interest in looking at anything before walking out seconds later. My driver was not happy. He tried to argue so I just threw a bunch of words in his direction that even I didn’t even understand, and eventually I found myself at my intended destination.

Even more aggressive than the Tuk driver’s are the massage girls, (there might be a euphemism there), who flood the streets of Patong and impede the flow of any male tourist with at least flirtation and at most inappropriate gropes. I turned down a block today only to find about 6 massage girls lurking in eager anticipation at the only potential client in sight. Only a few days in Thailand have taught me the ways of the urban gazelle and soon those Thai temptress’ disappeared taking the meaning of the word massage with them. I get my kicks above the waistline sunshine.

I am Probably Gonna Regret This Post

November 16, 2007

In Phuket. Told you so. I want to address a few implications and/or accusations that have been made on this site in the last few days. One in particular which comes from a eunuch who refers to himself as “D”. I can only assume the D stands for douche.

D Says:

“N Man lazy!!??

Nooooooooooooooooo

wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy”

This comment is in reference to my last post in which I ingeniously changed the lyrics of Murray Head’s classic “One Night in Bangkok” from:

‘ One night in Bangkok makes a sane man crazy.’

to

‘Three nights in Bangkok have made The N Man Lazy.’

I am gonna start out my argument with one point. And here it comes. You better prepare yourself. Alright heerrrree it comes!

There is no line in ‘One Night in Bangkok’ by rock pioneer Murray Head that comes anywhere close to saying:

‘One night in Bangkok makes a sane man crazy.’

Check it here.

The true lyric or Lyrics are as follows:

‘ One night in Bangkok and the world’s your oyster’

Or

‘One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble’

Or

‘ One night in Bangkok and the tough guys tumble’

Or

‘ One night in Bangkok and retard still mumbles.’

Granted I made the last one up but the fact remains that “D” is a douche. And guess what D? I checked your IP address and turns out you are from a town outside of Wichita. The most treacherous city in the world! That’s a Wiki-guaranteed fact.

So you know what D? I am not even gonna dignify your comment with a response. Because I am better than that.

Your mom’s a rotting cumbag.

One Month In Thailand

November 13, 2007

In Bangkok. That ‘s in Thailand. I got into B-cock early and quickly hailed an elephant to head for my hotel for a nappy-poo. One of the first things you notice upon riding through the busy streets of Bangkok are the giant pictures of this handsome fellow. He is the King. I’m afraid to say anything else on the subject because this might happen.

Bangkok is huge. And Hot. And a little hairy, but it is never-less a place to behold. For fifteen dollars I took a personal tour of all of the great monuments, which in Thailand are all golden fatboys named Buddha. Huge ones, little ones, reclining one’s, Buddhas that are actually made of real gold and my personal favorite, Chillaxin Buddha.

Three nights in Bangkok have made the N Man Lazy, and sick. I have smelled things no one above the fifth layer of hell is meant to smell. I would say it smells like death, but it’s more like death’s bowel movements after eating some bad Chinese. Or Thai. I need to escape so I am gonna get my Kurt Russell on and go down to Phuket.

Oh, but one good thing. They have double Big Macs Here. If the US has any plans of retaining our number one status as the world’s fattest country, we need to get on this and quick. I don’t care if I have to run for office, we will have cheese filled buns by the end of the year. And I can feel the devil walking next to me.

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