How to Navigate Thailand: From The Toots’ to the Tuk-tuks

Finally made it to Phuket. Phuket is a large Island off the east coast of Thailand or west.  I don’t know which is east and which is west in this part of the world. I guess I just don’t care. I was happy to escape the chaos of Bangkok to what I thought would be the picturesque beaches of Phuket.

Phuket is a pretty big Island and is probably best known for Patong Beach. I found out when I got to my hostel that I was about a thirty minute cab ride from Patong. Not a problem though, the bus to Patong cost 20 baht (about 60 Cents) and you can catch a Tuk Tuk for around six bucks one-way. The biggest problem with the tourist industry in Thailand is over-saturation. Tuk Tuk drivers are more ubiquitous than the smell of sewage and you can’t go ten feet, even in a less touristic place like Phuket town, without being hassled by one.

If you wanna travel super cheap, you can actually get on the back of a moped and go virtually anywhere on the island for no more than a few bucks. I have not done this myself. I already flipped one scooter on this trip and these guys drive like they have the ability to regrow limbs.

I prefer the Tuk Tuk. Most Thai people speak enough English to try and sell you anything and everything with the persistence of a prom date trying to seal the deal before curfew. This is especially true with the Tuk Tuk driver.

Even when you agree on a fair the selling is far from over. A lot of the time they want you to go to some sort of shop where they get a stamp for bringing in cluelss and confused westerners who swear they told the driver to go to the beach and have somehow found themselves at a jewelry store miles from the shore. A lot of times they will try to guilt you into going into the store by showing you a card, similar to one you would get a sub shop, and they always are one stamp away from a free tank of gas.

“Oh pwease welly quick you go five minutes I get free gas!”

Recently, after repeated attempts to explain that I would not go to the tourist shop on one ride, I found myself at yet another tourist trap. I walked in and told the people there that I was abducted and had absolutely no interest in looking at anything before walking out seconds later. My driver was not happy. He tried to argue so I just threw a bunch of words in his direction that even I didn’t even understand, and eventually I found myself at my intended destination.

Even more aggressive than the Tuk driver’s are the massage girls, (there might be a euphemism there), who flood the streets of Patong and impede the flow of any male tourist with at least flirtation and at most inappropriate gropes. I turned down a block today only to find about 6 massage girls lurking in eager anticipation at the only potential client in sight. Only a few days in Thailand have taught me the ways of the urban gazelle and soon those Thai temptress’ disappeared taking the meaning of the word massage with them. I get my kicks above the waistline sunshine.