I’d Be An Amazing Cripple.

Nope, that’s not me. If it was, I’d look much better than that guy, and BTW, so would the lady next to me. Unfortunately I’m as healthy as can be, but you can bet your lucky penny that if I was handicapped handicap able, I would be, at the least, absurdly upbeat.

If there is one thing that makes me question our Lord’s infinite wisdom, it would have to be the fact that I am still walking around with four fully functional limbs. I have no doubt that if given the chance- I’d make your spine tingle with awe as you watched me overcoming any sort of incurable deformity. Let’s face it, cripples usually fall into one of two categories- incredibly inspiring or pathetically depressing. I don’t think I have to spell out for you which category is lacking more people than limbs. It’s the inspiring one. Well if I got hit by a bus tomorrow or somehow lost my arm, I would be America’s next top gimp.

It seems like only whiny pussies get to be handicapped these days. What an incredible waste of opportunity. From the born tards to the spontaneously disabled, most of these “people” are totally lacking in the motivation department. Everyone always points to Christopher Reeves as a suitable example of someone who overcame his disability. Please, you’re talking about a man who literally did not get back on the horse. And we’re supposed to be impressed. If that happened to me I would be racing the next Seabuscit within a year. Oh but RIP Superman, cause you didn’t do enough resting the latter half of your life.

Then you have the vets. Am I the only one who thinks these guys are the absolute worst of the worst? Boo hoo I went to war and you’ll never believe what happened! The enemy made a boo boo. Whaaaaah. Man, If I didn’t have flat feet I would be getting blown to pieces by an IED right now. And guess what G.I. Joe? I wouldn’t be whining about some hospital, I’d be teaching inner-city blacks how to play basketball before heading off to a sold out speaking engagement. That’s life though, bitter sweet. It’s true I was born with the ability, and more than enough talent to inspire the masses, but unfortunately for you, I have yet to find myself in the wrong place at the right time. You have no idea how it feels to have this much potential go to waste. It’s terrible. I would not wish it on anyone. At least the disabled are given the chance to be disabled, even if ninety-nine point nine percent of them totally blow it. I’m disabled when it comes to being disabled and that’s worse than any disability I could ever imagine.