Gossip Gal: The OSSSCCCAAAAARRSSSS!!!!

Heeeyyy Girrrlllzzz!!!!!

The Gossip Gal is back and this time it’s PURSE-SONAL, (JK)! Um so I don’t have much to talk about this week since nothing is really going on……………JOKING!!! OSSSCCCAAARRRSSS time BABY! I am soooooo xsitEd!!!! Me the gals and someone I like to call COMCAST CABLE are getting together for some intimate VIEWING, of what you ask??? Hopefully Brad Pitt’s assssss! Just joshing (not really though LFMAO)!

Since there are OVER ten thousand Oscars given out every year I will only focus on my FAVE nominees in what I have come to call my nomi-”DO-ME-PLEASE”:

Best Actor in a Supporting Role:

Josh Brolin for Milk– He was amazing!! But I didn’t like the straight edge Dan White character he CHOSE to play which is more of a choice than Sean Milk had by BEING GAY. BTW, even if being gay was a choice it would be a FABULOUS ONE!!!

Robert Downey Jr. for Tropic Thunder– HOT! As a white man. HOTTER as a brother!! It may be the JUNGLE FEVER speaking but am I the only one who wouldn’t mind some Thunder down Under(WINK)?!?

Phillip Seymour Hoffman for Doubt– Ew.

Heath Ledger for The Dark Knight– Soooo saddd!! Have you seen his daughter? Soooo Cuuuttteee!

Best Actor:

Senn Penn for Milk–Sean you can MILK me anytime!! Note to Penn: There will be a lot more milk if you knock me up first!!

Brad Pitt for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button– Hmmm. Brad Pitt as an ADORABLE baby + Brad Pitt as an ADORABLE OLD MAN+ Brad Pitt oh what’s the point, if you start anything with BRAD PITT then the results will be DELICIOUS. Hey Brad, I have a CASE you might me CURIOUS in, I call it my VAGINA and I am positive you could press all of it’s BUTTONS!!!!

That’s it guys and gals, WHO will WIN?? We will have to wait and C!!! I will tell you one thing I DO NOT envy those judges! And for Brad, Heath, and Sean’s sake I hope that SIMON has nothing to do with the decisions, LOL!!

Trump Sightings On the Rise in Yellowstone National Park

Cheyenne, WY- Reported sightings of a Donald Trump have skyrocketed in the past few weeks in or around Yellowstone National Park, with park rangers, tourists, and residents alike coming forward to report seeing ‘the Donald’; some of whom claim to have had intimate interactions with the elusive entrepreneur.

“I had heard of the recent sightings of the Donald but dismissed them as third hand rumors, ones which I did not take seriously,”said Elliott Myers, a Yellowstone Ranger with fifteen years of service in the park. ” So you could imagine my shock when I practically ran into one three weeks ago while on patrol. It seemed to be docile, but just to play it safe I released about half a can of bear mace into what I assumed to be it’s eyes before making a run for it.”

Ranger Myers says he has become less skeptical of other Trump sightings since seeing it in person that day and his account adds to a growing list of similar sightings, including one from David Ellis, an avid bird watcher who frequents the park during the weekends.

“I was birdwatching last Saturday when I saw a blinding reflection of light coming from about a mile to the east”. Reported  Ellis, who tracked the reflection to within a few hundred feet but halted his pursuit when he realized the reflections were coming from the wrist and fingers of what appeared to be a Donald Trump. “I watched it from a far for a while, it seemed to be using some sort of tool to mark off a circular area in a clearing at the bottom of a hill. When it was finished with that, it took out a flag and placed it  in the center of the circle and that’s when it appeared to become aware of my presence.”

When asked how he was certain that the Donald had become aware that it was being watched?

” It sounds crazy but the Donald appeared to be winking at me and gesturing with his finger over his mouth. Although to be honest, those are details I decided to omit when I reported the sighting to the authorities.”

Ellis claims that he was turned away at the cabin after the rangers laughed off his report, and failed to investigate or even log his account in their files.

Since the beginning of August, reported sightings of the Donald have been coming into Yellow Stone Park HQ on a weekly basis, so many, that the park service held a press conference on Tuesday where Public Relations Director Steve Cooligan announced that an official investigation into the sightings had been opened.

While it may seem irrelevant whether or not these recent Trump sitings are true or merely a product of a collective imagination, if they do find them to be accurate, there is some precedent for Yellowstone officials to be concerned. Previous reported sightings of a Donald Trump in New York, New Jersey, California and overseas have been accompanied in the following months with the appearance of ostentatious buildings and environmentally destructive golf courses that have left residents in the effected areas wishing they had listened to those who claimed they saw the trademark golden puff of hair out and about prior to the subsequent development.

The general feeling from both officials and residents of Yellowstone is more of skepticism than concern, however, many including Mike Hannigan, who is considered to be the foremost Trump expert in North America, feel that the Yellowstone sightings may be more fact than folklore.

“Many of the key ingredients are here: reports of a strong smell of Mambo Cologne throughout the park, the appearance of heavy landscaping equipment in neighboring towns, the sudden and ubiquitous presence of literature bad mouthing Theodore Roosevelt, these along with the enumerable amounts of reported sightings have led me to believe that the Donald may very well be somewhere in Yellowstone”.

CNN: Do you make less than 60k? Just become a doctor.

CNN is fucking ridiculous.

New Music Monday: El Gunicho - Palmitos Park

Hey Music Goons-

The track this week comes from “El Gunicho” which in Spanish means The Guincho.

He describes his music as “space age exotica”…sounds nice to me.  His music has been compared to Os Mutantes, which is a great band too.

Caseytron

I Should Have Known You Would Ruin The Pro-Life Rally

Now you knew when you meet me Barbara, that I am not one to hold back on how I feel, or someone who makes a habit of biting their tongue, so it should come as no surprise when I tell you that the decisions you made regarding the catering of our church’s anti-abortion rally were solely responsible for its’ failure and will more than likely lead to more abortions than less. That may seem harsh, and if it has hurt you than I am sorry you feel that way, but I am not sorry for saying it.

It is my duty, not only as the head of our Bible study group, but as a Christian woman to be honest even at the risk of hurting one of my dear friend’s feelings. When you brought up the idea of bringing some light snacks to our next rally, I was apprehensive to say the least but against my better judgement, I did not openly voice my concerns. Although I did mention to Nancy and Diane that I thought it was a horrible idea. Did they listen? Of course not. I’m only the sole individual responsible for coordinating the event, finding pictures of the murdered babies, blowing them up at Kinko’s, and checking with the police department to see how close we could legally position ourselves in front of the high school.

And I didn’t want to bring this up but did it ever cross your mind whether or not you should have gotten my approval before introducing it at the meeting? Apparently not based upon the way you ambushed me in the middle of the planning session. I let you into one of the most exclusive Bible clubs in Colorado Springs and this is how you repay me?

I immediately knew I had made a mistake by not vetoing your idea when I showed up at the school that morning and saw the cotton candy machine. How you thought soft, colorful, delicious candy was going to help stop innocent babies from being aborted I will never know.

Even if you had good intentions, the food you brought to the rally seemed to attract more attention then the message we were attempting to spread. Instead of making good use of my time by getting the word out on the evils of Planned Parenthood, I spent the majority of it  assuring the students that the mini-burgers were in fact free and that they could have as many refills of soda as they desired. The goal of these rallies is to get kids to discuss and debate the rights of Pro-life and the wrongs of pro-choice, the only discussion I saw them having was a debate over who got to eat the last hot dog.

I would never ever suggest that you are some sort of Judas, but the way you went around my back and turned my rally into some sort of all you can eat buffet was far from Christ-like.  I can not count the number of students who complimented me on how much more they liked this year’s graduation picnic than last year’s, so don’t come crying to me when you find that your responsibilities have been greatly diminished next month at our gay marriage protest. I am not the one who was rescued from obscurity by a stranger and given everything a God fearing woman could ever want from a weekly church group only to return the favor with Judas-like treachery.

I don’t know where to go from here, I have some serious decisions to make. I have gone against my God given instincts a couple of times with you and I don’t know if the Bible Group can afford another one of your blunders. Only time and prayer will answer that question. I am praying for you and I suggest you do the same. If I do allow you to stay, you will be walking on eggshells and if you mess up again, you will be right back where I found you- taking minutes at Jews for Jesus meetings.

New Music Monday: Empire of the Sun - Walking on a Dream

This is the slow jam of the year. Empire of the Sun is the side project of the lead singer of the great Australian band the Sleepy Jackson.

He writes extremely unique and often bizarre songs that stick in your head.

A positive tune for some hopeful days.

Caseytron

Update: You can check out the video here.

Socialist Successfully Overthrows U.S. Government

Washington D.C.– Socialist Barack Obama made good on his intentions to “fundamentally change” the U.S. on Tuesday, by instigating a political coup d’etat and seizing power of the Executive Branch of the United States of America.

Obama, along with a fringe group of 63 million American radicals, gained control by coordinating an immensely organized strike, which they launched from churches, postal offices and elementary schools in practically every city in America.

Senator Obama, who is known for his disgust with the American flag and everything it represents, began his coup almost two years ago by touring the country and openly berating it’s policies as well as commander in chief George W. Bush, steadily gaining supporters along the way. In his numerous speeches he made no attempt to be clandestine in his intentions to remove sitting President Bush and take control of the United States,  even going as far as revealing policies he planned to institute if he was successful. Policies which include raising taxes, redistributing wealth and, in his own words, “securing health care for every American”.

Socialists galvanized around Obama and his interest in removing the President of the United States from power, displaying their shared convictions by touting Obama paraphernalia on their cars, homes, or person and attending his rallies around the country in support of his nefarious plans of subversion. But it didn’t stop there, some have estimated that as a many as five million rebels actively participated in the coup; spreading anti-capitalist propaganda in person, over the phone, and on the web.

Many, most notably Senator McCain and Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin, have been warning Americans of Obama and his intentions for some time. Both McCain and Palin made valiant efforts to get the word out on not only Barack Obama’s socialist agenda, but his questionable relations with known terrorists and fanatics as well. Governor Sarah Palin in particular, attempted to highlight these relations in a speech in Englewood, Colorado where she told of the Senator’s fondness for “palling around with terrorists”.

In the wake of the takeover, Republican Senator Mel Martinez has placed the blame squarely at the feet of the Bush Administration, criticizing the former president in an interview Tuesday evening.

“The Bush administration has failed us by refusing to acknowledge and deal with the Obama threat. If they had acted instead of being complacent, we would not be in this situation today.”

Martinez went on to point out the various ways in which the administration refused to take the socialist threat seriously, citing a speech Obama game in Berlin last July where he announced to 100,000 people that “this is our moment” and advocated drastic policy change. Martinez believes that statements like these were made by Obama in an attempt to gain support from the rest of the world in anticipation of his takeover.

It has yet to be seen how long Obama and his socialist agenda will remain in power, with experts predicting that it may be anywhere from four to eight years before his reign ends. Even then, Obama has already stated that his second in command, Senator Joe Biden, would be an excellent replacement.

McCain Encourages Crowd To Get out and Vote Nov. 5th

Tallahassee, Florida– At one of his last minute speeches before election day, McCain made a brief campaign stop at a NAACP meeting in Florida where he encouraged the audience to show up and make their voice heard at the polls this Wednesday.

” Regardless of your political affiliation or who you support in this election,” McCain proclaimed before an audience of around 5,000, ” It is imperative that you are involved in the political process and have your voices heard by getting out to the ballot boxes and voting this Wednesday, November the 5th”.

McCain went on to encourage the audience to not only vote themselves but to get the word out to friends, relatives, co-workers and stress the importance of partaking in this election.

“I realize you are hard working Americans who might find it difficult to get out to the polls. But in this, the  greatest democracy in the world, it is of utmost importance that you get involved in the political process. So this Wednesday morning get up early if you have to, carpool if you have to, but make sure you show up and vote for your candidate. ”

Local auto mechanic Ray Davis who was present at the speech, expressed his concern about voting ” I am a little embarrassed, I took off the Tuesday to go vote,  and I don’t think that my boss is going to let me have Wednesday off as well. It looks like I really screwed the pooch on this one”.

The speech was short and to the point with the emphasis on the importance of voting than on the plans or policies he will institute if elected.

“While Senator Obama is still pushing the same old agenda we have heard from him for the past couple of years, myself and Governor Palin have decided it is more important that you get out and have your voices heard regardless of who you support. When the dust settles on Wednesday evening, the people will have spoken and that is the most important part of any election “.

Ditch Me for One More of your Friend’s Funerals and We’re Through

Hey babe. I have been doing a lot of thinking, mainly about us and where I see this relationship going. As you may have noticed, things have not been going that well as of late. My therapist told me that for a relationship to be successful, each partner must draw clearly defined lines and be respectful of those lines if they intend on continuing that relationship. It’s been one of the hardest decisions that I have ever had to make but I have decided that if you continue to choose to spend your time attending another one of your friends funerals over spending time with the man that you supposedly love, then I will have to break up with you.

I hate to have to give you an ultimatum but I guess that’s what it has come to for me. I just got to the point where I had to ask myself,  where do I draw the line? In the past couple of  weeks you have chosen  to spend the majority of your time visiting friend’s in the hospital, or going to their various funerals, or memorials, or wakes, the list goes on and on. Even when I did attend a few of those events with you, you hardly paid any attention to me at all. I want a girlfriend who if we are out together, whether its for dinner and a movie, or scrabble at a friends place, or one of her dead team mates from her amateur softball leagues funerals, she acts like I am her sole reason for being there. That’s the girlfriend I did have until you pulled a one-eighty on me sometime after the bus accident.

I know it’s been hard for you, I hear it everyday and I tried, believe me I tried to get on board with your new hobbies. Remember how I helped you with Sheryl’s collage? I was supposed to play poker that night, off course you didn’t know that cause you didn’t even think to ask if I had plans before asking me to pick up some pictures of Sheryl at her mother’s house on the way home from work. I don’t like making collages, that’s a girl thing. Do you know how much shit I got at work from Dave the next day when I told him I spent the night making a collage and arranging flowers? Dave’s not just gonna let that go.

I even went with you to Beth’s and Heather’s funerals without making a peep about missing two of the most important Nuggets games of the season, which we lost btw thanks for asking. And when I floated my Saving Private Ryan idea about not putting the entire soft ball team on the same bus to Beth and Heather’s brother and he called me a fucking asshole, you just sat there saying nothing. How do you think that made me feel?

Even when you are home you’re constantly on the phone with a friend or relative, or you’re writing one of your little eulogies, or just locking yourself in the bathroom with the lights off. When we first started dating you never used to curl up in the fetal position in your closet for hours on end, now that seems to be more important to you then going to quiz night at the Bear Inn. You used to love to do that kind of stuff. Who is this stranger and what have they done with my girlfriend?

Even little things like a couple days ago when I asked you to pick me up some beer on your way home from Ashley’s fundraiser and you brought home Coors light. Come on babe, you know I don’t tap the Rockies, at least you used to. And I don’t mean to be harsh, I mean Beth and Heather I understand but Ashley? Before she was in a coma you used to constantly complain about how shallow you thought she was. And now all of the sudden you are organizing fundraisers and driving her son to school everyday. Seems a little hypocritical if you ask me.

I truly do hope we get through this, I do. I have done my part now it is up to you. You have some serious thinking to do. I think you have to ask yourself, do you want to be with the man you have shared your life with for the last few years? Or would you rather continue to devote your life to the mourning and memory of people that died over two weeks ago. I know it doesn’t seem like it now but there will be other teams in the future. Better teams where you can make friends with better softball players who hire better bus drivers that don’t fall asleep at the wheel. The future looks bright, care to join me?

Lone Black Guy Allegedly Not Responsible for Stolen Laptop

Chicago, Illinois.– In  a bizarre story in which a laptop was stolen from Java’s Coffee and Internet Cafe in Northbrook, African American Charles Whitman, who was at the scene of the crime has been cleared as a suspect by the Northbrook Police Department.

The owner of the stolen laptop, Jonas Stein, first reported the laptop stolen on Monday, after returning from the bathroom to find it missing from the table where he left it unattended, failing to notice the arrival of Charles Whitman.

“I went to the bathroom for a few minutes and when I came back I was shocked to see my laptop had disappeared, I wasn’t told until later that Charles Whitman had been lurking about, cleverly hiding behind the pages of a Wall Street Journal the entire time.”

After wasting time questioning the suburban patrons of the shop, owner Ted Hayes decided to get the police involved. Lt. Steve Colligan was first at the scene and told of his investigation in a phone call Monday evening.

” After learning of Whitman’s suspicious presence at the scene and his swift departure after an amateur strip search by Mr. Hayes, we went to Mr. Whitman’s residence to make the arrest but due to the lack of witnesses willing to come forward, and a failure to find the missing laptop on Whitman’s person or property, we have yet to gather enough evidence to make a conviction.”

At the time of the crime there were only a few people inside the business, none of whom were willing to report seeing Stein’s laptop taken by Whitman and cowardly refuse to admit that they saw Whitman run from the shop like a Kenyan sprinter, sweat glistening off his dark hide as he made his escape.

” I have known Charles for a few years now,” said Kaitlin Conner who has been working at the Cafe for several years, “he comes in almost everyday, always pays and even tips. I was not working on Monday but when I found out that someone had stolen a laptop from the Cafe, I felt betrayed by Charles, I thought of him as a friend but I now know that he was just scouting the place the whole time looking for the right moment to strike. The worst part is it looks like he is going to get away with it.”

This is not the first case of recent in which police failed to get a conviction or even make an arrest when obvious culprits have been present at the scene of a crime, a trend which according to District Attorney Clive Hansen, has become all to common in Northbrook.

“Crime has been steadily rising in the past few years while conversely, convictions have been on the decline. While I by no means am excusing myself from blame, police have made it all to easy for criminals like Charles Whitman to run wild by failing to gather enough evidence for me to make a case, even in an open and shut cases like this one. What alarms me the most is that Charles Whitman has no criminal record, not even a drinking in public or marijuana conviction, it’s scary to think of how many crimes Mr. Whitman has been able to get away with due to the incompetence of the Northbrook Police Department”.

For now, the Northbrook Police department is forced to rule Whitman out as a suspect but are optimistic that their  surveillance of his home and medical practice will bring to light enough evidence for an indictment.

Whitman was not contacted for this story due to the assumption that he was not up to date on his pre-paid cell phone bill.

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