Yo, Who the Fuck Peed My Bed?

There are certain things that are a given when one becomes a Delta KI fraternity brother, all night ragers, boatloads of clam, and of course - practical jokes. Don’t even pledge if you can’t handle waking abruptly from a drunken stupor with your ass hair on fire and fag magnet scribbled across your forehead, its tradition brotha. If you can’t handle it then I guess you’re not delta material. But Last night someone crossed the line and I want answers, mainly who the fuck peed my bed?

Not cool, bro. It may not be in the official delta KI pledge book, but sometimes you have to read between the lines. Sure, hazing is a big part of the fraternal tradition but I paid my dues and I’m a made man. Nobody can do something like that to The P Unit without serious repercussions. Last night started off killer, first night of pledging, Homecoming pre-party, and the giz pulled through last minute with some killer E., so of course the Poon Palace was overflowing. Four hours, three keg stands, and a couple of bong hits later and I am ready to hit the sac. Skeez pulled a last minute cock block and I was planning on a rare night alone in my bed. No big - it had been a while since I could stretch out my legs with out cramming them into some skank that the P Unit gave the sauce to the night before.

You could imagine how angry I was when woke up with the usual hazy memory and hangover accompanied by something I haven’t felt in years; the burning sensation of acidic urine clinging to my body. Not since I was little have I felt this awful sensation. The perpetrator will be caught and will be punished accordingly. I have narrowed it down to a few likely candidates:

The Skeez: Possible, me and the skeez have been boys since we pledged together but as much as he claims he doesn’t care, I still have my suspicions that he hasn’t gotten over me banging his sisters. That was three years ago but I still since some anger there. He knows the rules though: all’s fair in love and whores.

Mcnugget: Every year we have a pledge like this guy, full of heart and willing to do anything to be a part of the family, but for whatever reason they are just not delta material. In his case it’s because he reeks of fag. We would have kicked him out long ago if he hadn’t OD’d after he accidentally swallowed those roofies at our Halloween party. Man he was in the hospital for like three days. It was Hilarious.

Hollywood Jon: Me and him are boys but sometimes I just don’t trust this dude. The morning of the piss incident he claimed he passed out on the lawn but Grouch did the same thing, and he says that he was the only one out there. I know for a fact that grouch was out there because I saw him around two, banging that new frosh from Alpha Phi. Getting bush IN A BUSH! Grouch is the man.

The truth is, at this point in time, I have no idea. It could be any of these guys or any brotha for that matter. You never know with these crazy fucks, lord knows I have done some fucked up shit in my day. It might take time but I will find the responsible party and frat grind the shit out of them. After that I am gonna find out who stuck a used condom up my ass, I still can’t walk straight.

The Four Edge - Gun Sale

The track this week comes from a Colorado musician going by the name “The Four Edge” AKA Niel Wright. I have been buddies with his brother for a long time, so I remember Niel since he was in middle school. Little did I know he would grow up to make some of the best music I have heard in a long time. Every track I have heard from him is solid and eclectic. It is nice to hear a debut so unique and original. He is recoding an EP now, so look for more from “The Four Edge” in the future. Go this way for more on The Four Edge.

Caseytron

World’s Best PSA’s

Note for the morons: P.S.A = Public Service Announcement

Powers Hour: How bout we Talk POWlitics.

That’s right. The Boothe is back. And this time it’s Powlitical(?). Yeah that works. I am not going to get preachy, if you paid any attention you would know that my blogs tend to be few and far between and rarely political, but sometimes this future lifetime achievement award nominee has to put it all on the line, like a professional line putter of some sort. Yeah there’s probably on of those. Any POW, lets get right down to it-Obama, now I may be the first one to say it, but I would bet a Nile crocodiles tooth that I am not the only one to think that this Barblack is getting a little uppity.Admittedly, I will say that, that to be fair, I have not been all that attentive to the current race, (or any race really). Ever since that fish eater Kennedy got into office I have been pretty much apolitical. Although I do attend a militia meeting or two (border Powtrol). I wasn’t paying much attention to this election either. Considering I have spent the last three months in Ecuador boar hunting with the Cofan. So you can imagine my surprise when I came home to find this colored fellow actually had a shot. I can say colored, who’s gonna come after the PB? The NAACP? It’s right there in the name bat shit.

At first I thought that this campaign of his was some sort of publicity stunt, I assumed this mutt was pulling a Coleman. I don’t mean to shock anyone here but, by all appearances, it seems like he really is running for president.

Listen here, I am by NO means a racist, my maids black. I’m a traditionalist. I like my cars American, my steak barley deceased, and my women battling oxygen deprivation caused by their corsets. What’s the word for it? Oh yeah its called an American. So sue me, Jew me, kick me, kike me cause I don’t like the way things have been going in this country. Even if you put aside the fact that there is some sort of racial smörgåsbord running wild throughout the country side, you would have to take into account the fact that the other candidate, when not bleeding from the bottom half, is spewing pure donkey shit from the top. Is this what I fought in World War Two for? I don’t think so.

So who is the Power gonna endorse? You will probably be surprised to hear that I have made my decision. It was a hard one to make but what it came down to was what is this candidate gonna do to turn this country around? Who can throw the pillow biters back in the closet? Who can save the babies of this country, even if that means they have to pry them from the vagina’s with their bear hands? Who has the tenacity to defeat the towel heads? After some careful calculation I found that there is only one who could achieve such lofty goals. A POW in the truest sense of the word. POWERS BOOTHE. Yep, I’m running for president. So get off the straight talk express and pony on up to the straight express, where not only do we talk the straight talk-we fuck broads too.

Tip of the Day: South Park is Free (every episode)

Those fuckin’ South Park guys have done it again. SouthParkStudios.com has every South Park episode ever created for free and fast as balls. Comedy Central released the site earlier this month so it’s legal, reliable and quick. They even have last night’s brand new episode, which means it’s season 12. Good work.

Moving on - I can’t stand those assholes out of pure jealousy, but putting everything online is a commendable gesture. Sidenote: WSM is surprised the show has been around for twelve years.

Yep, that’s how I roll.

Studio - West Side

And another new music Monday has arrived. I did not know that dub was popular in Sweden. I suppose people get irie all across this globe if you know what I mean. Anyways, if you like the English Beat or dub inspired rock you may find this song enjoyable to your ears. If you happen to be somewhere overseas in the next month you can check them out playing DJ sets in Tokyo or London. More about Studio here.

Caseytron

I’d Be An Amazing Cripple.

Nope, that’s not me. If it was, I’d look much better than that guy, and BTW, so would the lady next to me. Unfortunately I’m as healthy as can be, but you can bet your lucky penny that if I was handicapped handicap able, I would be, at the least, absurdly upbeat.

If there is one thing that makes me question our Lord’s infinite wisdom, it would have to be the fact that I am still walking around with four fully functional limbs. I have no doubt that if given the chance- I’d make your spine tingle with awe as you watched me overcoming any sort of incurable deformity. Let’s face it, cripples usually fall into one of two categories- incredibly inspiring or pathetically depressing. I don’t think I have to spell out for you which category is lacking more people than limbs. It’s the inspiring one. Well if I got hit by a bus tomorrow or somehow lost my arm, I would be America’s next top gimp.

It seems like only whiny pussies get to be handicapped these days. What an incredible waste of opportunity. From the born tards to the spontaneously disabled, most of these “people” are totally lacking in the motivation department. Everyone always points to Christopher Reeves as a suitable example of someone who overcame his disability. Please, you’re talking about a man who literally did not get back on the horse. And we’re supposed to be impressed. If that happened to me I would be racing the next Seabuscit within a year. Oh but RIP Superman, cause you didn’t do enough resting the latter half of your life.

Then you have the vets. Am I the only one who thinks these guys are the absolute worst of the worst? Boo hoo I went to war and you’ll never believe what happened! The enemy made a boo boo. Whaaaaah. Man, If I didn’t have flat feet I would be getting blown to pieces by an IED right now. And guess what G.I. Joe? I wouldn’t be whining about some hospital, I’d be teaching inner-city blacks how to play basketball before heading off to a sold out speaking engagement. That’s life though, bitter sweet. It’s true I was born with the ability, and more than enough talent to inspire the masses, but unfortunately for you, I have yet to find myself in the wrong place at the right time. You have no idea how it feels to have this much potential go to waste. It’s terrible. I would not wish it on anyone. At least the disabled are given the chance to be disabled, even if ninety-nine point nine percent of them totally blow it. I’m disabled when it comes to being disabled and that’s worse than any disability I could ever imagine.

You have to be out by Monday.

The Setup: Read before you listen.
In this week’s edition of the of the Word’s Smartest Man’s spoof calls, we give Travis a ring as his landlady. You have to keep in mind that Travis doesn’t speak with his landlady all that often, and his caller ID is showing her number. When you do spoof calls, people believe every word you say because of the caller ID. You can get away tons of shit you that wouldn’t pass in your average prank call, such as laughing and sounding like some fucked up sheman. Back to the setup - it is also important to note that Travis is not at home in California; he is in Colorado for a long weekend (the call is placed on a Friday). Travis’ reaction is quiet, but it’s priceless if you turn down the volume and wait for it.

P.S. The World’s Smartest Man would kill for one of these cell phones today. It would have to work though. That would be fucking awesome.

Amy Winehouse is so hot right now.

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