What do I do now? You have to finish.

Inspirational or mornic? Equal parts both.

Kramerica

Kevin McHale Reluctantly Agrees to be Rockets Head Coach

Houston– Former NBA star and Head Coach Kevin McHale signed a four year contract on Thursday to be the next head coach of the Houston Rockets after debating the pros and cons for nearly a week. “When it came down to it the money offered was pretty good and I really wasn’t doing a whole lot with my time” McHale said at the press conference announcing his new role with the Rockets . “Kevin McHale was a choice for our team and its future” said Daryl Morey the Rocket’s General Manager “there  was not a lot of options available and he accepted our offer”.  So what does McHale have in store for the Rockets? “We have a tough road ahead with the team needing to get better,  rebuild and what not. I need to find an apartment, lots to do. Lots to do.”

New Details in Osama Raid Contradict Original Account

Washington, D.C.– The White House released more details today about the daring assault by an elite Team of Navy Seals on a compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan that killed Osama Bin Laden. The latest details contradict earlier reports including the number of Navy Seals used in the raid, the number of people killed at the compound, and that fact that Osama Bin Laden, the world’s most wanted man, actually existed.

From the moment the story of the raid broke the media has bombarded the public with misinformation much of which came directly, or indirectly, from the white house itself  but this latest release that Osama Bin Laden was not killed in the raid since he never existed in the first place has to be the most revealing detail to date.

According to the release, Osama Bin Laden was a fictional character created almost three decades ago by the U.S. government and has been used by several administrations as a scapegoat and boogieman to keep Americans feeling vulnerable to attacks which in turn makes them more likely to pass legislation that pays for wars which create profit that goes directly back into the pockets of the elite.

This announcement should come as a surprise and possibly enrage family members of the victims of “Osama Bin Laden” who may not welcome the news that their family members were murdered by their own government in a false flag attack.

Some even speculate that this latest news may damage the feelings of closure that many Americans experienced after hearing the news that a person they believed had attacked their country (and actually existed) was killed in a raid. I for one  applaud the White House for their honesty and encourage all Americans to do the same.

Kanye West Injured at Coachella.

Indio,CA– Kanye West upset Coachella fans on Monday when he showed up an hour and a half late for his scheduled start time of 10:30 P.M. According to Kayne’s manager Kanye left his trailer for the show at 10:45 P.M. and headed for the  main stage when  he came across a large mirrored reflection of himself which he mistook for an absurdly dressed man who he thought was looking at him funny. “What the fuck are you looking at?” Kanye yelled at his mirrored reflection. When there was no reply Kanye became enraged. “Are you fucking serious bro? Yo who the fuck is this guy?” Kanye inquired to his entourage and security guards who became paralyzed in their perplexity. “Fine you fucking cowards, I’ll deal with this myself. You’re gonna fucking get it nigga!” Kanye yelled as he charged the mirror and knocked himself unconscious.

A Mile HIGH Story: Just like last time, this time, once again, is Personal.

 WSM has an autobiography coming out in late 2012 “A Mile HIGH Story” and we will be releasing excerpts of the book in the preceding months. Here is the second excerpt form Chapter 3. Enjoy!

The night I got the phone call that would change my life forever was a cold and bitter evening in late December of 2000. I had been up all night attempting to reach the White House as I had been for months.Through some independent research I had determined that Osama Bin Laden was planning an attack on the U.S.,  most likely by mid September of 2001.

As usual those fat cats in D.C. weren’t taking my calls. I naively thought at the time that someone would eventual heed my warnings. God damn Jesus Christ to hell, why didn’t they listen to me? Why?

The call came from my boy Matty Beers. “Beersy” as we called him was a low level enforcer on my crew who I didn’t care much for. He was short, pudgy, and quick to piss his pants- we called him “Sir Smudgy Pudgy Piss Pants”.  But he had his uses; he could fart the alphabet backwards and had a car.

They called my crew the Devil’s Thumb Locos.  No one knew when we first got stamped with the name,  or where it came from but everyone knew it stuck to us like a used heavy flow tampon sticks to the bottom of a bag-less waste basket.

We didn’t hit the streets as often as the average crew but, then again, we didn’t have to. When we hit the streets we hit them harder than an abusive father hits his least favorite child after finding out he’s crashed his most favorite Camaro.

“Hello?” I said into my SideKick™.

“Yo man, we got problems son.”

” What’s the dizzy wizzy cousin.”

Beersy knew only to call in case of emergencies so I knew something was seriously wizzle or, at the very least  shizzle.

“It’s the East-Boulder Ballers…”

He was close to crying as usual.

“What is it you piece of human garbage! Spit it out of your chubby worthless face you fucking coward.”  I said compassionately.

“They were just spotted at the Mesa B-ball courts.”

“So the fuck what? You know I don’t hoop there no more girl.”

“That’s not it- they weren’t staying there man. They’re heading south- Don’t you fucking get it man! They’re heading south!!!”

I hung up the phone. Of course I fucking get it . This was bad. The East Boulder Ballers were breaking the truce we brokered after the TP wars of 99′ when they promised to stay in North Boulder where they belonged. This meant war.

I went to my fridge to get the paintballs out of the freezer. Time to round up the troops. And this time, just like the time before last time, this time it is personal.

And by personal I mean it is personally affecting me. And when someone personally affects me in a negative way, I take that very personally.

New Music Monday: Die Antwoord “Evil Boy”

If you missed out on South African street rats Die Antwoord’s first viral blow up back in 2009 then you are an idiot. Luckily for you,  Die Antwoord lost most of their money when the meth lab bubble burst leaving them with no choice but to release another album. The ladies in particular will not be disappointed with the follow up which displays more cotton covered cock flopping than ever and will take your breath away with technically accurate lyrics like “Im not a gay” and “this penis is for the girls”. You’re God damned right it is.

High School Coach Loses Battle with Traumatic Brain Injury.

Local high school coach and owner of Wheaton’s Mad Mad Meat Emporium, Arthur Wheaton, passed away on Sunday after a short but hard fought battle with traumatic brain injury which he had been fighting ever since he was diagnosed with it on Sunday.

Traumatic Brain Injury, or TBI for short, has perplexed doctors and scholars for a century. The mysterious affliction can affect seemingly anyone at anytime regardless of genetics, lifestyle or sexual orientation.

“It is possible that Wheaton developed TBI as a result of the severe car accident he was involved in prior to being diagnosed,” whispered Dr. Mark Willow, Wheaton’s attending physician, “Of course,  it’s also possible he had TBI prior to the crash. There is no way of knowing for sure, we simply don’t have the technology.”

Officer Randy Braden was first on the scene of the accident.

“If you look at the tire marks you can tell that Mr. Wheaton was driving fairly erratically prior to crashing into the side of the  CVS store. I am no expert but I am going to speculate that if he was suffering from symptoms of TBI which include crushed cheekbone, massive blood loss and bruised brain, those symptoms could have prevented him from driving properly and may have contributed to him smashing into the side of the store at eighty miles an hour.”

I want to understand my African American friend.

Dear Samantha,

My roommate (who is African American) is very emotional and frequently inappropriate in her actions. She consistently attacks me for failing to live up to her absurd standards and expectations. While I love her dearly, I recognize that she is in desperate need of the help of an educated professional.

It is not uncommon for her to get violently angry for a small inconvenience and no matter what I say or do, it only seems to provoke her more. I  have learned from her “family members” that she grew up in a very unstable and turbulent environment and had both physically and emotionally abusive parents. While this does not surprise me it does help to  explain why she behaves in such a tribal manner.

As her friend I want to do all I can to show her that I am here for her and even though I have not experienced the level of tragedy that she has in her life, I want her to know that I will do my best to try and understand where she is coming from.

So my question to you Samantha is- How do you tell what type of tattoos black people have? She has a bunch of tattoos but I can’t tell what most of them are because she got them in black ink and her skin is extremely dark. One kinda looks like a herd of triceratops. What do triceratops symbolize to black people?

Please help,

Proud Roommate of an African American.

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