A Mile HIGH Story

 WSM has an autobiography coming out in late 2012 “A Mile HIGH Story” and we will be releasing excerpts of the book in the preceding months. Here is the first excerpt form Chapter 1. Enjoy!

   If you were to ask my balls if the summer of 2000 was the hottest summer in the history of Colorado they would say it was. And they would be right. That is at least according to 9News one of the most highly acclaimed news teams in the country. It was a Saturday morning of that summer when I awoke to the two muggy nuggets clinging to my thighs like they thought they were a fresh pair of bulbous titties. Ring! Ring! Rang my beeper.

303-494-0330 420 911 420!!

The fiends needed their fix. Too bad. I have shit to do. And by shit I mean birds, clam, the big V. I threw on my tang top and flip flops and jumped in my Civic. Time to get my Vroom on.

I pull up to King Soopers just in time to see Danielle leaving. Damn she looked good. All dressed up in work out clothes. Who likes short shorts? I like short shorts. 

I hit the horn hard to get her attention.

“Hey! Want to hit the gym!” I said as I slyly pointed at my crotch.

She was happy to see me.

“Hey! Where have you been? You haven’t been answering my calls!”

“Been busy. Enough small talk. Lets go behind that gazebo I need my morning cup of muff.”

“Sorry sweetie not today” Danielle said as she pulled out a prescription bottle from her purse. “Unless you don’t mind the clap.”

“Sorry toots that ain’t my bag. I have never had the clap. But I have gotten many rounds of applause not to mention more than a few standing ovations.”

I sped off before she had the chance to try and change my mind. God damn she wanted me. For the third time that morning my beeper blew up. It was Abs and Tacman again. What the fuck could they be so urgent about this early in the morning?

“Hello?” It was Tacman and he sounded upset. Not a surprise considering the guy sucks down massive amounts of herb on a daily basis in a failing attempt to forget that he never gets to stick his P in a V.

“What’s up?”

“Dude. Bro you are never gonna believe it man! Oh man you can’t get mad at me man. Promise me bro, dude it wasn’t my fault man. I don’t know what happened. You need to get here quick bro!”

This was not the first time I started a beautiful Saturday morning with a phone call like this and it would not be the last. Once again I would have to put the clam diving on hold. Just another day in my Mile HIGH Story. I put the keys into my Beamer.

Vroom. Vroom.

3rd Annual WSM Photo Caption Contest winner announced!

Congratulations to Alex Halbeisen of Greenville, South Carolina the winner of the 3rd Annual WSM Photo Caption Contest! Alex beat out over two thousand entries winning the grand prize of 10,000 dollars.

Alex’s hilarious caption to this photo earned him first prize.  Seriously funny stuff Alex!

WSM Poll: Who does Obama think he is?

Even though it is still early in his term, President Obama is already the most uppity president in US history. So just who does the President think he is?

• Yes, he does think he is better than me and my family.

• He can have my gun when he takes it from my cold dead hands.

• I need to put food on my family’s table. Is Obama going to put food on my family’s table? Stay out of my kitchen Obama.

Click here to view the results.

Wheelie Fails to Impress Crush

Despite performing the most amazing wheelie of his life, sixth grader Danny Nueben failed to impress longtime crush Rachel Hanson who he had held feelings for since the third grade.

Nueben had been practicing wheelies ever since he learned three weeks prior that Hanson lived two blocks south of his house in a visually opportunistic Cul-de-sac. After several stake outs Nueben learned that Rachel and her family usually departed their home for Sunday mass around the same time every week.

Utilizing this information he plotted a course of action which he believed would place him directly in front of the Hanson home precisely as they exited for church. He hoped that the attention he would receive from the wheelie would help to fill up the gaping hole in his heart that he had suffered since losing his biological and legal parents to a faulty escalator the previous month.

Come Sunday morning Nueben rounded the corner to the Cul-de-sac just as the Hansons were leaving for church. Nueben proceeded to perform the longest wheelie of his life which lasted well over six seconds all of which was easily viewable by the departing Hanson family.

Unfortunately Rachel Hanson had gone back inside the house prior to the wheelie to look for a missing glove and missed the entire stunt.

At the time of publication of this article Rachel Hanson was unaware of Danny Nueben’s existence.

College Freshman Wouldn’t bang Jessica Alba

Fort Collins, CO.– CSU Freshman Andy Whitman shocked his roommates on Saturday when he announced during a casual game of Halo that he “does not think Jessica Alba is that hot” before going on to claim that he wouldn’t even bang her if he was given the chance.

Several days after his initial statements Whitman has maintained the position that he is not attracted to Alba even though she is regularly recognized in magazines and online polls as one of the sexiest women in the world. Whitman claims that due to her “weird eyes” and “fivehead” he would refuse any offer on her part to let him penetrate her.

Whitman’s proclamation came as a surprise to friend and roommate Doug Rosen who has known Whitman since middle school. “It’s hard to believe that even given the chance he wouldn’t  have sex with Jessica Alba especially when you consider some of the trolls he has dragged back to our place.”

Although most of his roommates were surprised by his statements they were not unprecedented. Whitman has stated in the past that he would only let Miley Cyrus give him a blow job, as well as claiming at a fraternity party earlier in the year that he would bang Jessica Simpson but only as a joke.

Dark Thoughts with Matthew McConaughey

•  Everyone makes fun of my acting and says that I take off my shirt too much.

• Ben Stiller has been getting all of my emails, he is lying about having a broken computer.

• No one believes me when I tell them that I made up “Everything’s bigger in Texas”.

• I’m too old to be in Twilight and my skin is too wrinkly.

• No one will read this because everyone thinks I am dumb and stupid.

• I will always look awkward rollerblading because I am a fucking loser.

• They’re just pretending to care about what I think about Darfur because I’m famous and they’re high.

• I think it may be “A Time to Kill” myself.

New Music Monday: Wild Nothing - Chinatown

Alleged Rapist Falls Short Against Tom Brady and the Pats.

Alleged rapist Ben Roethlisberger, who is also the quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers (6-3), fell short in his efforts to defeat the New England Patriots (7-2), losing at home in a 39-26 blowout Sunday night.

Roethlisberger, who masterfully escaped two separate indictments for felonious sexual assault, couldn’t seem to conjure up that same magic Sunday night against the Patriots  offensive onslaught.

Brady had an impressive night completing 30/43 passes for  a total of 350 yards and 3 touchdowns. Brady honed in on his targets all night leaving the Steelers feeling helpless and abused as if they had just spent a long night in a dimly lit bar bathroom with Ben Roethlisberger.

“It was tough out there tonight.” Roethlisberger said in an interview after the game. “Usually,  the more I push the harder they fight. I thrive in those types of situations. I will just keep looking for the right hole and pound myself in there forcefully if I have to. I just need to learn how to have that same attitude when I am on the field and I think that if I do, we will have a great year”.

Battle:Los Angeles

People are already saying this is gonna be the best Los Angeles based alien invasion movie since Skyline.

Teach em young: Cheat to win.

« Previous Page — Next Page »