Tip of the Day: South Park is Free (every episode)

Those fuckin’ South Park guys have done it again. SouthParkStudios.com has every South Park episode ever created for free and fast as balls. Comedy Central released the site earlier this month so it’s legal, reliable and quick. They even have last night’s brand new episode, which means it’s season 12. Good work.

Moving on - I can’t stand those assholes out of pure jealousy, but putting everything online is a commendable gesture. Sidenote: WSM is surprised the show has been around for twelve years.

Yep, that’s how I roll.

Studio - West Side

And another new music Monday has arrived. I did not know that dub was popular in Sweden. I suppose people get irie all across this globe if you know what I mean. Anyways, if you like the English Beat or dub inspired rock you may find this song enjoyable to your ears. If you happen to be somewhere overseas in the next month you can check them out playing DJ sets in Tokyo or London. More about Studio here.

Caseytron

I’d Be An Amazing Cripple.

Nope, that’s not me. If it was, I’d look much better than that guy, and BTW, so would the lady next to me. Unfortunately I’m as healthy as can be, but you can bet your lucky penny that if I was handicapped handicap able, I would be, at the least, absurdly upbeat.

If there is one thing that makes me question our Lord’s infinite wisdom, it would have to be the fact that I am still walking around with four fully functional limbs. I have no doubt that if given the chance- I’d make your spine tingle with awe as you watched me overcoming any sort of incurable deformity. Let’s face it, cripples usually fall into one of two categories- incredibly inspiring or pathetically depressing. I don’t think I have to spell out for you which category is lacking more people than limbs. It’s the inspiring one. Well if I got hit by a bus tomorrow or somehow lost my arm, I would be America’s next top gimp.

It seems like only whiny pussies get to be handicapped these days. What an incredible waste of opportunity. From the born tards to the spontaneously disabled, most of these “people” are totally lacking in the motivation department. Everyone always points to Christopher Reeves as a suitable example of someone who overcame his disability. Please, you’re talking about a man who literally did not get back on the horse. And we’re supposed to be impressed. If that happened to me I would be racing the next Seabuscit within a year. Oh but RIP Superman, cause you didn’t do enough resting the latter half of your life.

Then you have the vets. Am I the only one who thinks these guys are the absolute worst of the worst? Boo hoo I went to war and you’ll never believe what happened! The enemy made a boo boo. Whaaaaah. Man, If I didn’t have flat feet I would be getting blown to pieces by an IED right now. And guess what G.I. Joe? I wouldn’t be whining about some hospital, I’d be teaching inner-city blacks how to play basketball before heading off to a sold out speaking engagement. That’s life though, bitter sweet. It’s true I was born with the ability, and more than enough talent to inspire the masses, but unfortunately for you, I have yet to find myself in the wrong place at the right time. You have no idea how it feels to have this much potential go to waste. It’s terrible. I would not wish it on anyone. At least the disabled are given the chance to be disabled, even if ninety-nine point nine percent of them totally blow it. I’m disabled when it comes to being disabled and that’s worse than any disability I could ever imagine.

You have to be out by Monday.

The Setup: Read before you listen.
In this week’s edition of the of the Word’s Smartest Man’s spoof calls, we give Travis a ring as his landlady. You have to keep in mind that Travis doesn’t speak with his landlady all that often, and his caller ID is showing her number. When you do spoof calls, people believe every word you say because of the caller ID. You can get away tons of shit you that wouldn’t pass in your average prank call, such as laughing and sounding like some fucked up sheman. Back to the setup - it is also important to note that Travis is not at home in California; he is in Colorado for a long weekend (the call is placed on a Friday). Travis’ reaction is quiet, but it’s priceless if you turn down the volume and wait for it.

P.S. The World’s Smartest Man would kill for one of these cell phones today. It would have to work though. That would be fucking awesome.

Amy Winehouse is so hot right now.

WSM Pays the Bills

WSM’s Best Terrible Video

Cosmo Knows Shit All about YOUR Va-jay-jay

That’s right, I said it. Someone had to. And surprise motherfucker that someone is me. I know what your thinking- I sure could go for some rice pudding. Not me that shits for the birds but after you see this you’re probably gonna be wondering what a Va-jay-jay is, I know I was. Turns out Va-jay-jay is slang for vagina. After some diligent research on my behalf I found out that the word vagina, if you dare believe dictionary.com, is the medical term for axe wound which, as you know, The Big Ten is all too familiar with. After taking a gander at the article I was shocked to find that Cosmo knows shit all about your Va-jay-Jay! Here’s where they went wrong:

Cosmo: “It comes in a lot of varieties…no two look the same”

Wrong. What’s a matter Cosmo, you’ve never heard a vagina has no face? Every publicly schooled boy knows that since he’s ten.

Cosmo: “It Sweats”.

Ewww. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Cosmo: “It’s not a black hole…women worry that tampons and other items can become ‘lost’ in the vagina.

Wrong again Cosmo that’s the first place you should check if you lose your keys, cellphone, dignity.

Cosmo: “It needs to be checked out…use a mirror to do a self exam once a month.”

Actually Cosmo is dead on about this one, except about the mirror. At least one source has found that not unlike a vampire the vagina is invisible in most mirrors. Have a friend or acquaintance do a thorough examination, also, have them check for any tampons or “other items” that you might have left up there.

Cosmo: “There are some design flaws…if the clitoris were was inside your vagina instead of above it, it would be a lot easier to stimulate with the penis.”

Clitoris? You can’t just make up words Cosmo. Busted.

In case this was not enough analysis of a Cosmo article for you here’s a quickie on another cover article in which they fail miserably to give you answers to the following questions:

Sex he has alone: Where and When. How often. What’s his shocking go to fantasy.

This is your man when your not home. This is him in the morning. This is him at night and at work etc. etc. etc. I wouldn’t dare guess what his ‘go to’ fantasy is but I can guarantee it does not involve this.

The Big Ten Bitch. You better Ax’ Some body

5 Movies WSM Would Greenlight Given the Chance

Ghost Rapist
Ted O’neal was your run of the mill rapist, and had no intentions of changing his ways. But fate had different ideas and after a freak accident at the mill, Ted soon finds a wrench has been thrown into all of his aspirational raping plans. Watch the hilarity as Ted has to adjust to his after sex life in this delightful romantic comedy.

Nun Whore
Sister Mary was your run of the mill nun, and had no intentions of changing her ways. But fate had different ideas and after a freak removal of her church’s tax exempt status, she soon finds that a wrench has been thrown into all of her pious plans. Watch the hilarity as Sister Mary tries to adjust from her past of virginal devotion to Jesus, to sexual enslavement to her pimp Jesus (hey-zeus).

An Inconvenient Booth
Most patrons thought the booth in Jack’s Deli was nothing more than slightly inconvenient. It only takes ninety minutes to find out they were right.

Large
A young boy makes a wish at a fairground machine to be big. He wakes up the following morning to find that his wish has been granted and his body has grown older over night. But he is still the same 12 year old kid on the inside. Now he must learn how to cope with the unfamiliar world of grown ups including getting a job, and having his first romantic encounter with a woman. What will he find out about this strange world?

12
Ted O’neal was born with a talent. That talent was Blackjack. Unfortunately he was also born with a disability. That disability was dyslexia. Watch this action packed thriller and imagine how good he would have been at Blackjack had he been able to determine the difference between a twelve and a Twenty-One.

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