Yo, Who the Fuck Peed My Bed?

There are certain things that are a given when one becomes a Delta KI fraternity brother, all night ragers, boatloads of clam, and of course - practical jokes. Don’t even pledge if you can’t handle waking abruptly from a drunken stupor with your ass hair on fire and fag magnet scribbled across your forehead, its tradition brotha. If you can’t handle it then I guess you’re not delta material. But Last night someone crossed the line and I want answers, mainly who the fuck peed my bed?

Not cool, bro. It may not be in the official delta KI pledge book, but sometimes you have to read between the lines. Sure, hazing is a big part of the fraternal tradition but I paid my dues and I’m a made man. Nobody can do something like that to The P Unit without serious repercussions. Last night started off killer, first night of pledging, Homecoming pre-party, and the giz pulled through last minute with some killer E., so of course the Poon Palace was overflowing. Four hours, three keg stands, and a couple of bong hits later and I am ready to hit the sac. Skeez pulled a last minute cock block and I was planning on a rare night alone in my bed. No big - it had been a while since I could stretch out my legs with out cramming them into some skank that the P Unit gave the sauce to the night before.

You could imagine how angry I was when woke up with the usual hazy memory and hangover accompanied by something I haven’t felt in years; the burning sensation of acidic urine clinging to my body. Not since I was little have I felt this awful sensation. The perpetrator will be caught and will be punished accordingly. I have narrowed it down to a few likely candidates:

The Skeez: Possible, me and the skeez have been boys since we pledged together but as much as he claims he doesn’t care, I still have my suspicions that he hasn’t gotten over me banging his sisters. That was three years ago but I still since some anger there. He knows the rules though: all’s fair in love and whores.

Mcnugget: Every year we have a pledge like this guy, full of heart and willing to do anything to be a part of the family, but for whatever reason they are just not delta material. In his case it’s because he reeks of fag. We would have kicked him out long ago if he hadn’t OD’d after he accidentally swallowed those roofies at our Halloween party. Man he was in the hospital for like three days. It was Hilarious.

Hollywood Jon: Me and him are boys but sometimes I just don’t trust this dude. The morning of the piss incident he claimed he passed out on the lawn but Grouch did the same thing, and he says that he was the only one out there. I know for a fact that grouch was out there because I saw him around two, banging that new frosh from Alpha Phi. Getting bush IN A BUSH! Grouch is the man.

The truth is, at this point in time, I have no idea. It could be any of these guys or any brotha for that matter. You never know with these crazy fucks, lord knows I have done some fucked up shit in my day. It might take time but I will find the responsible party and frat grind the shit out of them. After that I am gonna find out who stuck a used condom up my ass, I still can’t walk straight.